Addict

I may be an addict...of Match that is. A small piece of me is not willing to let go of the hope that there is someone out there for me. Sure, it's easy to say, "well of course there is," and assume I'll meet him any day now, but trust me, there is close to zero opportunity for that to happen in my current world. In any case, after I stopped being angry yesterday about my crappy dates, I did feel much better.

SO, someone wrote to me yesterday and he is very witty and nice (so far). If I had to judge only by email, I'd say he's a pretty good personality match for me. He is not offended if I say fuck or baby jesus...that's good start...oh and he put a whole profile together that was grammatically correct...CLEARLY a genius. We traded a couple of emails yesterday and his last one made me laugh out loud. Twice. Anyway, he asked me out and there is no time like the present to we met for dinner in my town. Yep, that's three first dates in 3 days...sounds like the beginning of a new reality show if you ask me -- 30 dates in 30 days!

Witty Man is 38 and incidentally less witty in person than in his writing (as are most of us witty writers). He was nice to talk to, and polite…does some telecom stuff for a big company whose name escapes me…has a house and fixes everything. He talked a lot and didn’t really ask me any questions, but the conversation was better than average nonetheless. We had dinner and he told me today that he had fun and asked me out again. He is moderately attractive, but I think he will grow on me. Anyway, there was nothing ridiculous about him to report! Oh but he did do the awkward grandpa kiss thing at the end of the date, which I was not expecting at ALL. It was fine though. K peeps bye!

Enough is Enough

Honestly, match and the men on it can fuck off. FUCK OFF.

I. Have. Had. IT. For real.

So comes the nice long weekend. Who's excited? I am I am! Ah huh...Sunday I had a date planned with Mr. Brookline. We met at a restaurant with outdoor seating since it was supposed to be so nice out. This was my suggestion, and he said it sounded good. MMMmmmm okay. So I get there first, put my name in and wait, loving the sun on this 75 degree day. He shows up shortly after, wearing a long sleeve black shirt over a black LEATHER JACKET.

I mean, you really have to picture it: Many people walking around in shorts, flip flops, and sunglasses, and up walks a man in a full out leather coat - sweating. Not just hot. He was wet. His balding head was soaked, his face actually had sweat running down it. I almost burst into laughter and went home. What is WRONG with you!? I was like, "ummm, you look pretty hot. Why don't you take your coat off?" He said, "Soon." Oooookay. Then he said "we should go somewhere so we can get out of the sun." Interesting since I had made it clear why I wanted tot go to this place, and he had agreed, but fine.

We proceed to sit for about an hour at Au Bon Pain. Inside. The whole time I wished I was outside of course. For that hour, it was like being at an interview all awkward and weird. Uncomfortable...and the worst part was that he was red and blotchy from the heat, and he had this sweat that continued to poor from his head. The whole time. I am repulsed and know I can not kiss him. Probably ever. Yep. Finally, I'm like "wanna get a drink?" So we grab a bite and get a drink inside somewhere. In the end, we weren't feeling each other, and quite frankly, I don't know if I can go out with someone who wears a leather jacket in that heat. It's indicative of some brain difficiency or something. Blah.

In the meantime, I have been emailing and chatting with The Doctor. The doctor is basically a short, smart, Indian. I have never been attracted to Indians, but he is cute and I actually wrote to him first. I called him on the way home from the date with the anti-sun man in hopes that it would lift my spirit.

The Doctor tells me that on Monday, Memorial Day, he wants to go for a drive in his new car, which happens to be a convertible. Yes, I knew this when I wrote to him, as I LOVE a convertible. It may have been why I wrote to him, but who's really keeping track...ANYway, he asks me if I'd like to take a ride to the water somewhere and have a cocktail outside. No shit, I can think of nothing better. It is EXACTLY what I'd like to do on a nice day, so I say yes, even though we have never met. I needed a pick-me-up.

The doctor gets me and we drive to the coast. Really it was wonderful and so much fun to be in that car on such a gorgeous day. He was nice and a little quiet, but things feel pretty good and relaxed. We head to a restaurant and head out to the deck for a drink and bite to eat. It's all lovely. He's still seems shy and a little quiet, but he's laughing and I'm loving the whole thing. After that, we take a walk down the boardwalk and sit at the end as it started to move into late afternoonearly evening.

Stay with me people...he scoots over right next to me, puts his arm around me, and put his hand on mine. I'm thinking, "wow, this has been a perfect date, and The Doctor likes me. He is so nice." THEN this happens:

I can see out of the corner of my eye that he is giving me googly eyes and getting his face close. "Oh crap crap, he wants to kiss me! What to do?" It's a perfect scene, so we kiss. The mutherfucking MINUTE that his mouth hits mine, his hand shoots to my boob and he begins aggressively groping me! I mean, I was in shock at first, so I stopped and moved his hand away. The second he kissed me again, he started reaching right into my shirt. This time I said no no and moved his hand again. He proceeded to reaching into my shirt two more times and when he realized that I was not letting him in there, he stuck his hand in the bottom of my shirt...which I did move as well. Okay, my mistake: I was not appearing mad enough, and I was speaking with still a pleasant look on my face, but I didn't want to ruin the date. I just wanted him to have some fucking respect. The disappointment that overcame me in those moments was nearly more than I could manage with a straight face. I was SO SHOCKED. And why couldn't he hear "no"? Why would he ever think that was okay...and okay to do over and over? I need my therapist.

Now he was not much bigger than me and I was never concerned for my safety. Why did he think that was okay? I was wearing a shirt that showed cleavage which I never really do, but I was being a little sassy and it's summer. Did he think it was okay because he could see my cleavage? Did he just want sex from me and nothing else? What what what?

Finally he gets that this is not going to happen the way he wants. We hit one last bar and have a drink, then head back to the car as the sun starts setting. Never in this time was he physically affectionate, other than the groping. The drive back was fine, and when we approached my house, he asked where people park when they come over. I tell him, and start to think "Why? Why do you want to know? You are not parking. You are dropping me off you arrogant assumptive asshole." So he's parking the car and I don't know what to do. All of this is making me realize that I do need to be meaner when someone is out of line. I tend to want to make light of it, but I needed to just ask him what he was doing and tell him no no no no.

After the car is parked, I grab my coat and go to get out... Then he says to me in this quiet wished-he-sounded-sexy voice, "Do you want me to come in? We could have a glass of wine and talk." I abruptly said, "No. I don't think that's a good idea. I had fun today but I don't want to do that." He said "I understand." Wine? Talk?! Do I have "stupid" on my forehead? And for the love of mary magdaline, joseph, noah and his arc...WHY would you ask me that?! Why? Why? WHY?!!!!!! ...After I clearly did not want that...if you know the answer, help me understand. If I missing something, tell me. Please.

The minute I shut the door to my condo behind me, I burst into tears. I don't understand what I am doing wrong, or if it has to do with me at all. I don't know how to fix it. It was so nice, and then so bad. I DO know that I am all done for now. That one broke me. Enough is enough.

Stud to Dud

The Lawyer is officially out of the picture. What a disappointment. He asked me out for a Friday before I had to do some traveling, then ditched last minute because he was "sick" and "busy." Hmph. I can take a hint.

Then while I was on my trip, he sent a one liner of "how are you," only to follow it up with another one liner "when are you back," to not respond at all when I told him I'd be back. I thought for a second there that our crab-cake-eating-boob-looking affair was back on, but mmmmmm, not so much. Now, I'm over it. Truth is, I was never really taken by it all but still, what a dud. ...And furthermore, what was wrong? I hate that. I hate not knowing. Now I have the luxury of wondering if he thought I was fat when he finally saw me naked...or what? What was it?! Damn him.

Anyway, Mr. Brookline has been IMing and emailing me all last week and this week but he's too busy to get together during the week so we have a date set for Sunday this weekend. Seems nice, but I'm not getting my hopes up. No way Jose.

Let's chant:

I will not be bitter
I will not be a spinster
I will not be a bitter spinster
I will not be bitter
I will not be a spinster
I will not be a bitter spinster...

Court is Dismissed

The Lawyer has truly confused me. He basically blew me off this past week. I don’t want to overanalyze, but I also don’t want to over-react, so I sent him a message just saying --- I can’t tell if you are not interested or just really busy, but I wanted to check in to see if you wanted to go out again. Maybe that was too forward, but I’m just going to stop calling or writing now because I don’t feel like he wants to proceed. I just don’t like guessing. Well that was a dud. It does beg the question: What was the problem? Did I do something? Why the fast start and stop? Now I have dating whiplash.

I do have a tentative date with My Brookline for the weekend that I return from CA, where I am this week. He has sent me about 4 emails so far and we spoke the other day. I’ll give him a call this week also. He appears to be relatively normal, and loves the city. He DID say “I can’t imagine living in the suburbs, but I can live with that for now.” Okay buddy, if you can afford to live in the metropolis of Brookline and own, then more power to you…”

Pick Yourself Up, Wipe Yourself Off, and Start Again

That's what a weight watchers meeting leader used to say every time. I think it's not a bad mantra. Luckily, 4 glasses of pinot and a plate of oysters really cheered me up last night. Sure I was in there alone, but the man next to me bought me a glass of wine (ya he was with his girlfriend but it was still nice), and I talked to half the people sitting there and chatted up the staff who are like friends at this point. When I started get nervous that I looked drunk, I left. Lol. I don't drink to feel better really ever, but it sure worked for me last night.

Yesterday, I panicked knowing that another dating disappointment would send me into a downward spiral, so I emailed a bunch of cute boys. This morning I had an email back from one! OMG it really IS like fishing...anyway, he sounds nice and wants to chat. I feel better already. We’ll see what happens with Mr. Brookline.

Drinks this Friday with The Lawyer…sort of a make it or break it date. If he simply wants to make out and has nothing interesting to say at all, I’m backing way off. Here’s the thing, if you are an asshole, then there’s no saving you…if you are boring but you have money, buy me something because your money is no good to me otherwise and then you’re just boring…actually while we’re on this topic, I have some thoughts on the place of money in the dating game.

I have met a number of men with lots of cash floating around. They drive their Mercedes and BMWs, they wear their Rolexes and fancy Omega watches, and they buy property and jet skis and other toys. This is okay because what fun is money if you don’t spend it. BUT the interesting part is how they use that with women. They know they become more attractive, but they are idiots and here’s why – please pass this piece of wisdom to every man whose flashing his cash for a piece of ass:

We do not give two shits how your fancy watch looks on your arm, or how your Mercedes has a concierge service that will do anything you want for you…the reason, stupid boys, that women like men with money, is because we think about what you will give US. I hate to sound superficial, but that’s the truth. I look at that and I imagine driving a Mercedes and wearing a diamond encrusted watch…THAT is what makes you attractive with money. Dummies. I mean, we all want love and that’s entirely different, but strictly speaking about the value of money when snagging a girl – that’s where it’s at. We want to have your money, so unless you want to buy me something, stop bragging. This was a sore spot with my ex – we’ll call him The Asshole – bragged about his money constantly…CONSTANTLY…he had houses and properties everywhere, and boats and jetskis... all worth millions and it was ALL. HE. SPOKE. ABOUT. After a while I was just jealous because he wasn’t sharing. I don’t care if he has a boat. I care if I ride in it. And once I realized the money was not going to benefit me, it was not a factor in my attraction to him any longer, and then I was just left with him, The Asshole.

So I digress. The place that money has in psychology of relationships is becoming more fascinating to me by the minute. ANYwho, we’ll see how the next date goes…

Smoke in Mirrors

I have PMS, or a version of it that occurs during -- DMS? Anyway, I am definitely not a happy camper so I'll keep this short. The Lawyer and I spoke for about 2 minutes on Sunday, and although we've traded an email or text here or there, I have not spoken to him since...not by choice, just because he doesn't seem to have any time. I asked him to do something today before I go away for work next week, but he says he is not feeling well and he's not sure. I wonder if he is lying. I am sad that I have to wonder that. I am sad that I have to do fucking everything alone all the time. Really. It makes me want to smoke pot and eat pizza, but I can't do that, so what? What can I do?

ANYway, why would someone call me constantly and ask me out everyday, then stop? Well according to Sex in the City and whoever wrote that book -- maybe he's just not that into me. Maybe not...and before I get sad about that, I will recognize that really goes both ways. I am willing to get to know him better, but I know that unless he unveils a more interesting personality, he won't be right anyway.

There is a lot of smoke in mirrors in this dating game. I might have to call off the search soon.

Question For Ya

Soooo, based on my last entry, should I tell The Lawyer that his behavior at the date bothered me? At the time, I really acted like it was not a big deal, and then of course I rewarded him with sexual activity, and then when he apologized I said it was okay. I'm realizing that I just totally gave him an answer that was not truthful. What will keep him from doing this again? ...OR, should I just let it go and see what happens next? I'm inclined to let it go for now, but what would you do?

ALSO, here's the latest and greatest winner: http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?uid=Nbc+6ZeWjL4yqKV9jd+Ceg%3d%3d&trackingid=0&TP=D&Handle=kloks33&Bannerid=512884&lid=107
He wrote to me today. He doesn't have cats, but he does live alone...problem is that I could not imagine a more unimaginative profile. It says to me that this person has NOTHING to say, isn't trying, doesn't think much of himself, and based on the stuff he said, I'd peg him for a reformed alcoholic, or a relative of one. There's nothing wrong with that, but I know'em when I see'em. Bets anyone?

Oh AND, all he wrote to me was "Did you grow up in (insert town here)?" Way to wow me -- just like that high school education you have and whopping salary range. Ooops, was that mean? As a matter of fact, he does not live in that town ALONE with that salary. Bet #2 -- he'll tell me he used to live alone but recently moved back in with his parents....ya, suuuure you did.

Since I am clearly desperate, I will write back. Plus I have to know if I win my bet. AND, he makes The Lawyer look much better already, even after Saturday. Oh my god, I am mean. Whatever, fuck it. You date a million idiots and then see how sensitive you are...

Yawn...

I decided I'm just not calling Skinny Man. It's dragged on for too long now. Let's put him to bed. Done.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get back to The Lawyer. My Sat date both bored and confused me...I relinquished very expensive tickets to a fundraiser to go on this "date." He had to be at a family function beforehand and so our "date" went from being dinner in the city (which he still has not rounded up enough time to really have with me), to apps in the burbs. In his defense, he did take me to the Capital Grille. All week I kept asking things like -- should I make a reservation? Do you want me to pick a place and make a reservation? ...and all week he wanted to play it by ear. Ummm, okaaaaay if you say so but I'm pretty sure you can't eat anything anywhere decent at 9pm on sat with no reservations, but hey, I'm sure you have it covered.

He showed up to pick me up well on his way to drunk. This wouldn't be offensive if it made you more fun and you could handle it, but it made him, and me, yawn. First he wanted to make out in the parking lot of the Capital Grille. This car kissing stuff is fine with me, but this is becoming a habit that I don't wish to form. Dude, I'm ready to give it up after the date when we go home. Must you feel me up in the car? Again? Anyway then it got weird because I was like -- no, let's go in.

I mean, I totally took a nap so I could be awake...I got a starbucks coffee, took a couple of shots, and danced around my living room...I was pretty excited for this evening out. Christ I blew drew my hair, curled it, and used hairspray...I looked pretty good actually. I shaved my legs, sprayed some perfume, and cleaned my house. I bought BREAKFAST FOOD! I was ready for fun and a potential night of passion -- or something.

We got in the restaurant which was packed...he was all put off by the number of people and I was like, retard, listen, it's fucking 9pm on Saturday and we are in the nicest restaurant in this fucking suburb. YA IT'S PACKED. That's why baby jesus made reservations. Okay I didn't say that at all, I actually pretended I didn't mind eating my crab cakes standing up and kept smiling and flirting.

One drink into it, and his eyes start CLOSING. He keeps looking at the TV at the bar and nearly nodded off. Listen, I am not boring. I was excited and very "on." He was cleary loaded, and he told me as much even. Typically he is very polite so this whole thing was a major disappointment. He kept saying how that last glass of wine got to him and then gave me his second glass, which was about a half a bottle less than what I needed to cope with my booooooooorrrrring date. Boooooo!

Now comes the part when I'm stupid. I tried to get him to let me drive but he would not. Fine he drove fine but still that's bad. THEN because I truly need some SEX people, I still invited him in. There was no real sex, just messing around which was good enough because foreplay is really where it's at anyway. Then he told me he couldn't stay, but still managed to fall asleep with me for a little bit before leaving. Whatever, what a dud of a night. Drunk is for hanging at a bar in the city, not for eating with a date at the Capital Grille. Alcohol has no boundaries I suppose.

ANYway, I don't know about this. He needs to kick up his level of excitement or something and show some personality that does not involve his hands on my boobs. Which reminds me -- he asked to see them before we went in to the Grille, to which I staunchly responded no way. Who does that? Yes I mean they are lovely, but still. Buy me dinner for fuck's sake and pretend that you care to speak with me first. Can you do that?

I'm being a little harsh. He did serve me appetizers all cute and even put my coat on me...no one does that so it was nice. He called me this morning to apologize for being so "tired," which must be boy code for "inappropriately drunk," so he did the right thing. AND, he did call me first thing today, which he seems to do nearly everyday, so how can I complain about that? Now I guess I have to figure out if we can have fun doing things that don't involve sex, making out, or groping...or drinking. I sure hope so, but I'm really on te fence at this point.

Que sera. Oh AND my ex came up in my Match email todday as one of my matches. I guess he's back on the market, and I wonder if I came up in his email. Last time I saw that bastard he was kissing me goodbye at the airport after a trip to the Dominican Republic. "We'll keep in touch." That never works does it?