From Zero to 60...Then Back to Zero

Cat Man and I decide to meet for a Jazz brunch on Sunday. I think this is a good idea…definitely a place I have wanted to try in the past so it can’t be a total wash, right? Right. I call him because I am a couple of minutes late, and he says he is in the same boat. Fine. I had made a reservation so I let her know that we’re running late as I wait for him. Cut to 15 minutes later and he calls me. Frantic. "Where did you park?! I can’t find ANY parking…I mean the problem is every time I see a spot, someone else takes it!” He repeats these words for at least 10 minutes. I become a therapist, “It’s okay. You’ll find a spot. It’s just busy. Take your time. We are not in a rush. Don’t freak out.” In the meantime I am thinking I’m hungry and now we’ve lost our reservation. Damn damn. More importantly, why is he whining like this? What did he think I would do? Wave a wand and make him a space? What?

He arrives, we sit…I swear he is still gay as ever to me, but whatever.

Don’t be judgmental
Don’t be judgmental
Don’t be judgmental

Okay…food is ordered. Conversation is okay. We talk a lot about travel and he tells me …"We are definitely going to Costa Rica together. You just let me know when you want to go…” I don’t understand why he thinks I’d go anywhere with him at this point, but this dude has a STRONG personality. Then he throws in weird flirting like, “I have a king sized bed…maybe one day you can lay in it…” Wink wink dude…no thanks. I remind him he has a cat. He mentions changing the sheets. I’m like – “I know we talked about the cat thing. I can’t EVER sleep in your bed. Do you understand??" I’ll spare the rest of you that conversation, but he doesn’t get it.

Date is done, he walks me to my car, he tries to kiss me, I give him my cheek, done. You know, he is very energetic and upbeat. He loves travel and would try anything, and I love that. Good lord baby jesus though, he is not turning me on WHAT.SO.EVER. I’m sorry, he’s just not…and instead of asking me out again, he says – let me know when you ant to hang out again. And I’m thinking – probably not ever – but okay. Since then, he’s sent me one “how are you?” and two “happy Friday” texts. He also sent me a text saying “let me know when you are free so we can hang out.” I don’t know. I don’t want to waste our time, but maybe I’ll like him if I see him again?

Skip to the next day – Monday – and I have date number two with SBM. Yay! We meet at a semi-ghetto pool hall for some fun. I dig this place and I dig him so it’s all good. He is just SUCH a hottie, at least to me. My body likes his body. I know this immediately. I am also deprived of sex at this point, so you do the math.

ANYwho, we grab a bite at a pub, good conversation, everything is fine. Then we play some pool. I love this, although in retrospect, I think he was letting me win! Hmmmm, tricky. Anyway, he looked FINE in jeans, and he is a lovely mix of polite engineer geek with bad ass motherfucker. This combination is very attractive. After pool, we chill on a couch and chat chat chat. Is this guy ever going to kiss me? He gives me some insight into his baggage, which I didn’t ask for, but okay…something introspective about having to always be responsible and never really have had fun…blah blah. It was interesting enough. He walks me to my car, HUGS me (booooooooo!!!), and off we go.

The next day I have an email that he wrote that night. He basically tells me it was great to hang out. A few days later he says “I have a strong desire to just bum around with you. Maybe we can watch a movie or something?” Strong desire? Well yes! We most certainly can watch whatever you want.

A few days later, he is arriving at my house with a stack of movies. When he took his coat off, he was wearing a T shirt and to my delight, the arm that protruded from said shirt was DE.LI.CIOUS. Oh my god oh my god, is that his ARM?! Look at that bicep! OMG don’t touch him. Do not touch him. Be cool. Calm down. Control yourself and do NOT touch him!! My mind was going haywire as I said, “Wanna cocktail or something?” I so love how this all unfolded…we ordered food, blah blah, but in the end, it was like we were 16 again. Everyone knows that “watching a movie” is code for making out. Duh. And did we ever…did I say DE-LI-CIOUS yet? God I’m getting hot just thinking about how Mr. didn’tevenkissmeontheseconddate turned into Mr. Makeout…the trigger: a kiss on the cheek. Works every time, ladies. Kiss a boy on the cheek that wants to kiss you, and it’s like giving him a green light.

The movie ends, and despite all the heat, nothing much has happened here between us here…physically I mean. Of course now there are no more trains going, and he doesn’t want me to drive him bc I have been drinking. I didn’t plan this, but I can’t say that subconsciously I wasn’t trying to get myself into this situation. So I tell him he can stay if he wants. I proceed to just put my jammies on and get in bed bc honestly, I never expected more to happen, although in retrospect, I don’t know why I thought that.

Of course we did it. Yes IT. I don’t mean to kiss and tell…well yes of course I do…but it was the best…ahhh correction…it was the second best sex I have ever had. Trust me, this is a compliment considering the amount of sex I've had...eithat that or a sad commentary on the skills of most men. I’m not sure if that’s bc I wanted it so badly or if it was actually that good (like water in a dessert people), but it was well worth any awkward moments before or after. He is BEAUTIFUL…good lord muscles are straight out intoxicating to me, and his shoulder is the size of my head, and it drove me crazy.

Okay, then crappy sleep. Then the morning – it all happens again, which of course is confirming that things are not weird right? That wasn’t just alcohol right bc it happened again in the morning. RIGHT? I mean HE woke ME up…and he was all sweet and smiley and cute and saying nice things and being affectionate…which as an aside, I find is completely lacking with men. It’s so easy you idiots – put your hand under my head, kiss my shoulder, smile at me. Dummies…but I digress…

It’s time to get up. I offer to make him breakfast and he’s like no thanks. I offer like 3 more times. Nothing. I offer to drive him home. He’s like the T is fine. I offer 3 more times. Nothing. That weird physically conservative self that he was before our first kiss came back. Maybe he has intimately issues anywhere BUT in the bedroom? Why didn’t he want me to make breakfast? I bring him to the T. He kisses me goodbye (grandpa kiss. Nothing good). And off he goes.

So here it is: I spend ALL DAY thinking about everything he did that night. Actually I have spent everyday since that day thinking about these things and playing it over and over, because aside from the actual sex, he really was super affectionate. I know I need that – BADLY. I probably need affection far more than sex and use sex as a means to an end. I know this. I know I didn’t have to give it up on date # 3, but it was NICE. So I send him a short email telling him that I didn’t expect that to happen, but I’m not sorry that it did and it was nice to be close to him…blah and thanks for trekking out to my place blah blah. Like 5 sentences. Then I check my email over and over again. Waiting. WAITING…why isn’t he writing back? …and I swear I start to panic...oh no not again…OMG maybe he thinks I am not thin enough. Maybe he’s looking at me thinking how fantastic he looks and how I’m just not up to par. Maybe I ruined it by having sex? Maybe he is afraid. What? WHAT? One day passes…at the end of the second day I call him and say hi and ask him if he wants to grab a bite – nothing big – just say hi. He say no! Not “no” no, but he is working and says he is “in the middle of something,” but thanks for thinking of him…and I’m thinking that’s ALL I can think of…I find him intoxicating and now I am like an SBM crack head. I need a fix and he’s not biting.

Today is the 3rd day since he’s left my house. I checked my email roughly 300 times and nothing. Honestly, I have a stomach ache. What is happening? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?! And the best part is that I actually had a different first date this weekend and it’s like none of these boy are doing it for me because now I just want this one…but I have to push forward. In fact, I am meeting the Mexican (is that even his name?) on Friday. This is fine. Cat Man keeps trying to see me…but I can’t help but feel like shit. SBM doesn’t like me and I don’t know why and now I feel like a fucking lunatic stalking my own email for a sign of him…

For all of my friends who say – ya that sounds like fun…all that dating must be a good time right? No. What it is is a rollercoaster. One day I am excited and happy. The next day I feel like a throw-away. Let’s chant:

SBM is nice and he does not mean to be hurtful
SBM finds me attractive because I AM
I will not continue to fret over this boy
I will not cry if he never writes back

SBM is nice and he does not mean to be hurtful
SBM finds me attractive because I AM
I will not continue to fret over this boy
I will not cry if he never writes back

And not for nothing, but he actually made reference to having children…and I quote “I’ll have babies with you.” That’s what he said to me. Of course that’s a fucking retarded retard thing to say on a third date, but it still sounded like hope to me. Cocktail. I need a cocktail immediately.

On the Prowl, Peeps

I started an entry earlier today called easy come, easy go. Now I can say differently because he isn’t going! Woo hoo there is hope! Okay, here’s the word my peeps:

So Sunday I went on a first date with Mr Romance. He was very nice…we met for a lunch at Joe’s American Grill, which is fine. He lives in the burbs so we burbed it up. He was very nice and polite. Moderately attractive. A Sunday afternoon date really is a lot less rowdy than a Friday night date, you know? Anyway, we order the same thing and he talks about getting old and wanting a heathly body. Fine. I love a man who’ll eat a salad with me. Lots of work talk blah blah blah…I find myself advising him on how to deal with a disrespectful employee blah… Finally the conversation turns:

Him: You know, I’m not so good at small talk. I’m sort of philosophical and I like to talk about deep things.
Me: Uh-huh, like what? Religion and politics?
Him: Ya
Me: Well those things are fine. I mean, you’re not going to offend me so I don’t see why they have to be so taboo.
Him: I’m not easily offended either! That’s great!
Me: Well now that we have that out of the way, I can tell you I don’t believe in God. Do you?

At this point the date will either blow up, or it will get better. I love to create a moment like this (which is probably why I am single). His face lights up, smiles…he is pretty psyched to talk about religion with me. We talk for two more hours. That same day he emails me to say he wants to go out again. Because I can’t keep up, I respond about 3 days later saying sure. It’s been two days and I haven’t heard back. We’ll see. Maybe I’m in his spam filter. He was okay. Not a lot of chemistry but nice guy and good potential.

Okay SO…SBM and I set up a date after a number of witty emails. He is REALLY witty and I so heart that. Who doesn’t want to laugh? He meets me for Indian food – YUM – one for the boy! We meet in a loungey place with good drinks. I got there early because I always get to first dates early. I like to get comfortable first. He arrived and halleluiah baby jesus he was better looking than in his picture. He was wearing pink – love that. He was sort of geeky looking…like a little uptight with his laptop bag and stuff, but I don’t know…the way his pink shirt pulled tight around his bicep really got me thinking about what he’d look like with that shirt off. Bad girl!

Whew…SO pretty strong personality…lots to say…totally divulging person shit like life without a dad, what we talk about in therapy (fine what I talk about. Whatever), religion…speaking of…this is a black man from Louisiana originally. His mom is Re-li-gious. I ask him if he wants to get married in a church then…”Nah, I’d prefer a beach,” he says. That’s it. I am in love. Okay I am 3 cocktails in but who’s counting, so is he – AND he’s drinking some orange mango martini thingy. This man seems secure. He’s a joker for sure. Definitely a cover-up. He divulges that he used to be a “dick.” He said it, not me. I’m not psyched about that, but I guess if he knows then he has his dickiness under control? Let’s hope.

Nearly 5 hours later, we wrap up. He calls me to make sure I got home okay. Hug goodbye – he is way too responsible to try and kiss on the first date…possibly conservativish in his actions. I know that’s not a word. Neither is dickiness or loungey.

THEN, I’m like – don’t freak out. Don’t chase him. DON’T DO IT! And of course I am checking my stupid email 37 times an hour waiting for it to say “SBM from eharmony has sent you a message.” After almost a day, I write him a brief note saying I had fun and I hope we can meet again. Done. I don’t hear from him for the whole day. Now I am frustrated and sad because I got excited and now he doesn’t like me and, as usual, I am certain it is because I am not attractive enough (I know I know). My self esteem is in the gutter come today. Fucking boys. Sure I have first dates with 5 more right behind him, but I liked him. He really cracked my shit up. Grrr… Then, as a shining light came from above, I checked my hotmail and there it was – I clicked it open in anticipation like Charlie opening the last golden ticket…the hourglass is on my screen…”is it him? Is it him? IS IT?!” IT IS!!! Yay. In record time I log into EH to find that he totally had fun and would like to go out with me again. I do recall telling him I could kick his ass in pool and he says he’d like to accept that challenge.

People, love is in the motherfucking air today. Let’s chant:

I am attractive
My SBM digs me
I will not be a slut and have second date sex
I will have a RELATIONSHIP

I am attractive
My SBM digs me
I will not be a slut and have second date sex
I will have a RELATIONSHIP

Yay. Cat Man first date coming on Sunday…possibly fitting in Mr. Suburban on Sat. Ex-bf professes that he wants to get back together and have babies (better known as the biggest asshole I have ever dated). We’ll address that later, so as to not infringe upon my second date conversation afterglow.
xoxo

Latest Roster: Preparing for a dating frenzy!

Cat Man continues to call me and text me. I feel horrible because I’m acting like I sort of care, which is worse than caring or not if you ask me. I really don’t care but I feel like there is no reason not to meet this guy (well except for the bastard cat)…ugh. He’s a “happy Friday” texter. He’s sent that same message to me 3 weeks in a row now. He called me last night to ask me out. Do I want to go? Nope. Will I? I guess. If it’ll get this guy off my back then sure.

Why bother you ask? Well it’s like this: I need to date if I’m ever going to find someone. Maybe he’s great and I just can’t see past the allergens, you know? Maybe he’s the best man ever, but I can’t hear him past his weirdly gay voice…and somehow it still bugs me that he missed the part on my profile that said furry pets are a dealbreaker. We’ll meet. Whatever. I have a bad attitude, I know.

Okay on to better things! As promised, here is the current roster. I’m pretty excited about some of these guys although we’ll see what happens. You know I don’t ever get my hopes up about this stuff. Sad isn’t it?

SBM: Sexy Black Man that is…yes, in case you haven’t noticed, I am attracted to those with a darker skin, and I am happy to say, they are attracted to me too. It’s most certainly the boobs. Mine, not theirs. I have lovely cleavage, but that’s neither here nor there. ANYway, SBM is an engineer…we have been using the Guided Communication feature of eharmony, which you may know is a way to pick questions from a list instead of thinking of them yourself. I guess they want to help you ferret out issues before you actually start using your brain to communicate. It’s also helpful for lazy communicators, which can be characterized as people whose entire profile is comprised of bulleted items…couldn’t even write a damned sentence! We should be speaking soon. I’m hoping he wants to meet bc he is just SO cute and I desperately want to kiss him already. Cross your fingers.

Mr. Romance: Now I have traded a few emails with this guy and he seems nice. IT guy, as in information technology. I think geeky is the way to go ladies. I have to say that I don’t find him so physically attractive, which could prove to be an issue, but he seems really nice is a self-proclaimed romancer. He asked me if we could meet this weekend. I’ll do that if we can find the time. We haven’t spoken yet so I don’t know how he sounds yet. Bring on the romance buddy!

Suburban Man: Mr Suburb is definitely the oldest of the pack. He’s almost ten years older than me, also an engineer, and pretty much bald. He looks exactly like you might imagine, but there is something strangely cute about his picture, even though he looks sort of like a dad already...correction...he sort of looks like someone who could be my dad. Ewe...pushing thought away immediately...He asks a LOT of questions by email. We traded them a few times and I was finally like, here’s my number. Call me and we’ll get together. Let’s move this bus along guys. I don’t have all fucking day to be emailing the answers to your 75 questions. This one is a big question mark.

…man, I’m really craving a glass of champagne…and not to sound like I have a problem, but I have drank one and a half bottles of the stuff this week. It’s just so GOOD…I digress…

Sharpshooter: Okay, this is a short Mexican…actually I don’t know that he’s Mexican, but I’m like 85% sure. He’s cute and I do have an affection for short men. He’s all nice and whatnot, then mentions that he was a sharpshooter in the Army Reserve and has done public speaking for the last three years. This guy just got a lot more interesting. Maybe he can give a speech at our wedding. He’s also the only one of these guys that answered that he wants kids. Everyone else wrote “maybe.” What does that mean? You’re not sure? You’re waiting for my answer first? That bugs me. I mean, if you don’t actually WANT them, then I don’t want to have kids with you just because I want them. I want YOU to want them. “that’s okay honey, daddy didn’t want you, but mommy sure did…” We are talking and I’ll give him my number this weekend and move along. He is in IT also! Did I request the techies or something?

Biochem Man: This guy is a biochemistry project manager specialist or something (what the hell does that even mean?) and he lives in the burbs. He looks like what I imagine the father of my children to look like. Weird right? He’s moderately attractive, but he writes very well and has interesting things to say. He was the only person to guess my trivia question on my profile. (What shark was found to have swam up the Mississippi Rover as far as Illinois? For those of you who don't watch Shark Week, shame on you!) We’ve been chatting for a while. I gave him my number last weekend and he never called! WTF. But he keeps on emailing me. What is that? Fear? Busy? Whatev, if he wants to date me he’ll call me at that’s it. All I know is I am not calling HIM!

Wish me luck my peeps.

Gaydar

As I said earlier, I am dating like a rock star…well except for all of the sex and drugs, which I guess would be a whole lot more fun…okay I digress. Come on, there’s always time for sex and drugs on the side so let’s stick with nice, wholesome dating here. Heh. Wholesome? Who am I kidding. …okay my gaydar may be on the fritz or something. So I go on a date, a breakfast date, with a boy. Let’s call him Mr. Big Head. I say that because he had a giant head! Like, it was way too big and round. It was hard for me not to stare as we met in person. Seriously. On the fly we decide to meet for brunch on a Sunday which seems fine, although I haven’t ever had a first date sans alcoholic beverage. I wondered if I’d ordered a mimosa would I have seemed like I had a problem? Anywho, he talks and talks and talks. Fine. He talked so much though, that he could hardly get through a single thought. Then he’d ask me a question and before I answered, he’d be off talking about something else. Again.

I don’t know though…there was something about his demeanor that was just so…well, gay. His voice a little. Even his mannerisms. I can’t put my finger on it, but I was not attracted so much. I thought maybe we could try a second time, but we never called each other so I’m thinking it was mutual. He bored me.

Then last night I spoke with Cat Man for the first time. Those of you who have read this blog before already know where someone named Cat Man is going. So he seems great, we get on the phone…that fucking high pitched voice is back…clearly I need a deeper voice man or something…then he said it.

Chat chat chat…”I just love my kitty.”

MMmmm, okay either you just talked dirty to me, or you are describing your pet. I hoped for the former. Not to go back to it, bc I love my gay friends, but when a straight man repeatedly says “my kitty,” he just sounds too femine:

Me: “Did you just say KITTY?”
Him: “Oh ya, I love him and all of my roommates need to love him too. He needs a lot of attention. One of my roommates is allergic.”
Me: “That must be terrible for her.”
Him: “Well she knew I had him before she moved in.”
Me: insert chuckle “I don’t think we’ll ever be able to date. I’m totally allergic to cats. I think my profile actually says that.”
Him: But you wouldn’t not date someone because of a cat, right?”
Me: “Cats make me miserable and I can’t date someone with one. Especially since I knew that before I dated you, I really shouldn’t even start. Sorry.”

He proceeded to describe to me how he showers 3 times a day (does he stink?! Geez) and doesn’t like cat hair on his clothes, etc. Ya, I’ve dated men with cats, which first of all, I am against. A man with a cat is not sexy, I don’t care what you say. Plus, I have a bird and I don’t want your bastard cat touching my lovely bird. That’s all besides the point though. Cats make my esophagus close. Enough said. Noooooo thanks. Once I had mentally written him off I started thinking about the sleep I was missing bc I was on the phone and I got off. Drat! Foiled again…

Updates

Ex-bf: Okay so he kept sending these 3 sentence bullshit “how’s everything” emails with no real content. For some reason, it bugged me. I told him “no offense, but I’m going to close this match. It’s weirding me out to see you in here.” CLOSED and done. I’m trying to get a date. I don’t have time for wacked out ex-bf antics.

About the friend in love with me….guys, this one is driving me out of my mind. He KEEPS bringing it up over and over…” yea I am ok.....just hard getting past u....besides that I am feeling a little lonely the last few days and I miss hanging out with u!” … I am sure you know u can still talk to me about anything...I just hope u feel you can…even boys.....I would rather know than not be part of ur life.” For fuck’s sake. …” overall in life I am mostly happy...but dont be sorry for the rest....its not ur fault how u do or dont feel and I know that.” Okay…of course I said things in between, and it would exceptionally rude of me to list the whole conversation here, but I’m starting to feel manipulated. There is a neediness here that is so strong I have started to lose respect for my friend. As a matter of fact, it’s realy starting to piss me off. I feel mean even thinking it, but really, it’s too much. Get a hold of yourself. I can be caring and loving and sensitive, but it’s like he’s trying to make me feel bad in a passive aggressive way. I don’t. Sorry. Grrrrr….now I am just avoiding him bc I don’t want to hear this crap anymore. Self pity is not something I do well with. PLUS, IMing this shit to me is really immature. Please see my first entry Text or Next.