Hitting the Gas

It has been an interesting weekend. The Lawyer asked me out Friday...first, he was 10 minutes late (which is fine), and he called. That was cute. And responsible. Oh how my standards have plummeted over time...a man who is a real adult is like a two headed woman at a circus. We had drinks and apps and decent conversation. I learned that he owns his law firm that includes a handful of of attorneys, he has some rental properties, and a house. His house has a pool table in it. This is like telling a 10 year old they can have an X Box or something. I love it, although I suspect it will be hard to kick his ass. Oh and he drives a Mercedes SUV and wears a Rolex...there has to be something wrong with him, right? All that money an no one snagged him?

So no, money is not the most important thing here, but yes, I do like it and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Money doesn't buy happines, but being poor is miserable and that's the truth. If you think love makes everything okay, then good luck to you. Poverty will eat your love alive. I have a distinct memory of my childhood where our electricy was shut off, we were playing Sorry by karosine lamp, and the oven door was open to heat the house. I wasn't startving to death, but I experienced some ugly shit that I can barely bring myself to think about and I'll never do it again so yes, money does matter. Anyone who disagrees is disillusioned if you ask me. Clearly this is a sore spot. Woah. Thank god for therapists...but I digress.

Okay enough of that. The date ended and all was fine. He called me at 10AM the next day to say he had fun and wanted to see me again. TEN AM! Wow, well that felt good. Then he asked me out Sat (I couldn't go), then Sun, and this morning for tonight! Alright see? Now it's getting weird -- four days in a row? Last night we met for just a couple of drinks and the vibe was much more relaxed. I admit to totally making out in his car before leaving him, which I thoroughly enjoyed. He could stand a lesson in kissing but it's fine for now. We'll fix that:-). Honestly, the whole thing was a total turn on and if I was 25 again, I would have brought him home with me in a heart beat, but since I actually want to have a relationship here, I did not. Instead I became a babbling idiot.

Plus, I haven't shaved in like 5 days. I can't have a hairy legged introduction. I have enough self concious body image problems as it is. I know it's gross, but I woke up late today and actually never showered (I mean I don't stink), and ran out this morning, so the truth is I really don't want to see him today either. Clearly I need to step up my self-maintenance!

Okay so back to the issue at hand here. Should I be weirded out that he seems to want to see me everyday? I hate being a disappointment so saying no somehow makes me feel guilty even though there is no reason for that. What if he thinks I'm not interested? I know, stupid statement, but I feel that way regardless. He already asked me out for Saturday night too! So funny...I want a boyfriend, but i don't. I don't like my routine being disturbed, and I don't like being bugged all the time. I fear that I have been alone for so long that maybe I prefer that now? It's easier in the end -- really, it is. Yes I know, but it's lonely and of course everyone wants love. I get it people. No lectures please.

BUT fine, I know I have to buck up and get on with it because even though it feels weird now, it would feel good to have someone in my life who loves me blah blah. Perhaps I will give in on this one, stoke the fire and see what happens. He IS nice, and normal, and responsible, and cute. I wonder if he likes kids...we have a long way to go. LONG. The thought of it -- introduction to family, to habits, a first argument, the time when the honeymoon phase ends and you decide if it's really right -- all of that is so daunting...like I'm at the beginning of some obstacle course and if I get through, I win a husband. I HATE that it feels that way. I hate that this has become a chore and that this didn't work itself out when I was younger so I could just grow with a boyfriend like everyone else. There is a massive difference, but I don't think anyone really knows that. Not anyone who is married anyway. God I'm so bitter sometimes. Maybe faling in love will be like pouring sugar into me. We'll see.

I never called Skinny Man. I told him I would so I have to, but I'm not motivated much at this point. The Wrestler is a dud if you ask me. He texted me Sat night. It said "bonk..." Bonk? What the fuck is that? He's had my number for a month. I'm waaaaaay over it. Another idiot destined to spend his life texting women. What a shame.

Well it's Monday so I should get on with getting some work done. I've taken to chanting happy thoughts. Yes, chanting. Don't knock it till you try it people:

I like the Lawyer and that's okay
I will not add negative caveats such as "so far," or "we'll see" to everything I say about him
I will not be guarded
I will allow myself to be happy

I like the Lawyer and that's okay
I will not add caveats such as "so far," or "we'll see" to everything I say about him
I will not be guarded
I will allow myself to be happy
I will kill him if he disappoints... okay okay, that last one was just comedic effect. Later peeps.