Are You For Real?

First, let me apologize to my peeps…I have not updated this is SO LONG that it’s embarrassing. I’ve got a lot to tell you…

SO, SBM: We went on about 3 more dates since the last update. They were all the same – uncomfortable dinner where he didn’t do anything affectionate to greet me, leaving me wondering why I am there…into awkward conversation where he reminds me of some strange arrogance he has where he thinks he knows everything…into the bedroom, where all is well and good. Really good. It all came to a head one day when we went to dinner in my town and ended up at a Mexican restaurant. We sat outside, and everything was faaaantastic. Then our food came and he didn’t eat but one bite of his dinner. So I kept asking if everything was okay and if he wanted something else. He kept saying yes it’s fine with this weird fake smile but would not touch the food. As if I couldn't SEE that he wasn't eating. Then he asked to bring it home and then he left it in my fridge. Thing is, he’s just not real with me. He’s so guarded that he can’t even say he doesn’t like his food? Come on now. Something about the whole incident really aggravated me, and that was when he started becoming less attractive and this is a problem bc he is H.O.T. hot. That night he stayed at my house and again, he turned into Mr. Affection in the bedroom, BUT he wanted to catch an early train and was up and out of the house by like 8am and he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. Talk about mixed signals. I mean, if you want to just fuck me, then tell me that. I would have been happier skipping dinner too.

He asked me out again and I told him that I didn’t want to date him. He responded with 8 paragraphs of passive aggressive commentary on ME and why HE didn’t think we should date. ISSUES. Seriously. It’s such a shame because I really would have liked that one to work out. We would have had beautiful kids. Even weirder is that a couple of weeks have passed, then he emails me and asks me to dinner for next week! I mean, is he trying to be my friend? Does he just want sex? Bc if he wants sex then great but let’s not beat around the bush here. If he wants to be my friend then I just don’t know. He’s going to have to loosen the fuck up, stop taking himself so seriously, and let his guard down. Geez. I don’t know why I said yes, but I did, which is probably just a waste of time. Damn it.

Onward and upward…so all along I am also dating the Sharpshooter. The Sharpshooter is not nearly as hot as SBM, but he is fun, sweet, and affectionate. Basically the exact opposite in almost every way. We end up having 3 more dates: 1) we went to see a band. It was really cute because he insisted on standing very close to me in the club and pretty much was always holding my hand and stuff. I kind of felt like he was claiming me. In the long run this may be annoying, but at the moment it felt endearing. 2) We hung at his house, ate sushi and pretty much got drunk. Although this sounds lame, it was really fun. He is so easy to be around that we were goofy and laughing and stuff…I mean if you can have fun doing nothing, that’s pretty good right? This guy -- he's totally real. Plus he continues to be super considerate all the while. 3) He FINALLY got a car and was able to come over to my place. We ate at my favorite restaurant, got some wine and hung out. Then THIS happened…

…We were on the couch and I swear I just had too much to drink and I was cutting loose a little…combine that with the fact that I feel very comfy with this guy, and you get retarded actions from yours truly. I turned my Ipod on the living room speakers. He’s like “will you dance?” I say, “now? Do you mean, for you? No!” Insert drunken flirty giggle here. So I half heartedly shake it, sort of weirded-out and sort of wanting to actually dance because I like dancing. He’s literally laughing at me. I like this bc I look retarded and it’s funny. He’s just being honest, and I am being, well, sort of funny. But THEN he gets up and starts dancing with me. Not romantic moonlit slow dancing – we’re, like, getting’ jiggy wit it. Holy crap…SO. MUCH. FUN. So we run through different songs and dance and laugh and dance and laugh in my stupid living room. The reason this is so great to me is that this is my own ritual. If I have come home a bit too deep into the alcoholic abyss, I flip through old favorite songs in the living room and dance like I’m fucking Britney Spears. I will do this for HOURS, or until my 80 year-old neighbor bangs on my wall. I have never done this in front of anyone else so this is a breakthrough I swear. Aaaaawwwww, now I am so hearting the Sharpshooter.

The downside: I can handle that he is short and stubby and hairy. I can handle that he drives a car that barely makes it on a highway. I can take a lot in return for this wonderful being. BUT, there are some issues in the bedroom, and I think you and I have gotten to know each other well enough for me to say – I cannot take that. What issues you say? Ummmm, I don’t want to be disrespectful so I’m not sure how to say this, but on a number of occasions I found myself saying “What happened? Is something wrong?” I’m sure you should not say that per say, but seriously, why do we keep having issues? Okay and after SBM, which, in case you weren’t following closely enough stands for Sexy BLACK Man, how can my Bolivian friend even compete? You know what I mean people. Okay, and last one…but…he’s not seeming to want to go downtown. Why not? I mean, that’s a requirement. Sorry. I’m just going to have to ask him that. In any case, I keep hoping that as the memory of a roll in the proverbial hay with SBM fades, the Sharpshooter and I can find a happy place in bed. It’s just not so. How long do I wait? Is this a dealbreaker? I mean sort of right?

So after our 4th or 5th consecutive weekend slumber party, we are going on 3 weeks that we haven’t seen each other. In all fairness, he had a big test to take for classes last weekend, and this weekend he is away. Maybe he is just busy. Maybe he got freaked out that we were each other's weekend date consistently? The worst part – I’m not really bummed. I’m sort of excited to have my weekend back. I don’t know if that’s his fault, or if I just don’t like sharing my time with ANYone. This could be it. I mean, I like my life and it does feel like a pain to try and jam someone new in there. Doomed? Maybe.

Alright kids, and here’s a new one: I have a third date with someone new this weekend. Hmmmm, let’s call him The Bass Player. Bass Player contacted me a while back and once SBM was out of the rotation I figured I could add someone new in since the jury is still out on Sharpshooter. He is the right age, good height, a techie analyst consultant type who actually went to Julliard for bass. Apparently he travelled around the world playing, then decided to change careers. He is divorced and has a 5 year old in Equador. Obviously I need more details there. What motivates someone to live on a different continent than their child? He is very polite and says things like “gosh” all the time. Naturally I wonder if he would die of shock if he ever heard a conversation between me and my family (fuck this, fuck that, fuck you). He’s a little odd…I think maybe he’s nervous but I can’t tell. He laughs at my jokes a little too hard, and although he does the “gosh” thing, he had some hard core R-rated rap on in his car on our last date. My take is either I haven’t seen the real him, or he’s got a naughty side that rears its head every now and then. Either of these is fine with me since I'm no prude.

SO, first date I meet him in his town, we go out to eat and get drinks. It’s awkward a bit, but everyone relaxes eventually. Conversation is a little labored because I realized he really doesn’t ask me many questions. This bugs me. I’ll have to pay more attention next date and see if that resolves itself. If we can’t converse, we have a problem. We also took a walk by the water and he gave me weird googly eyes which freaked me out bc I did not want to kiss him at that point. I did not kiss him. Date finished fine.

Date #2, he picks me up at work and we go to a restaurant that I’ve wanted to try but neither of us have been to, and we eat oysters! First, his car is beautiful. He instantly became more attractive. God I am superficial sometimes but at least I’m not a liar. I didn’t like how he drives, because he's sort of a lunatic, but we'll overlook that. Loved that he wanted to try something new and he took me for my favorite food. Props to the new boy! When he dropped me off we kissed-turned-makout in the car. I still feel like he is awkward. Kiss was a little aggressive for a first kiss and it reminded me of kissing when I was 16. Remember how teenage boys would jam their tongue down your throat and eat your face when you made out? Sort of like that. He called me to make sure I got home okay and the next day texted me that he was thinking about me and he had so much fun. He proceeded to contact me like 3 times during the week to ask me out again, and the sweetest one was when he sent an email with the subject “Hooray!” He said it was more than halfway through the week and that meant only a few days until our next date. Cute, right? Of course I am so jaded that I don’t fall too hard for this stuff bc boys always change their tune 6 months later, AND I am suspicious of the “real” him. Anyway, I am looking forward to the next date and I'll take it at face value for now.

In preparation for this weekend, and since I seem to get “easy” on the 3rd date, let’s chant:

I will not have sex on my third date with the Bass Player.
I will play hard to get and see what THAT’S like
I will start a relationship the right way
I wonder if I can get it on with SBM on the side
I am clearly a delinquent

I will not have sex on my third date with the Bass Player.
I will play hard to get and see what THAT’S like
I will start a relationship the right way
I wonder if I can get it on with SBM on the side
I am clearly a delinquent

Okay, took a turn for the worse there, but good enough. Over and out.

Judy Jetson

Thursday morning I woke up with Sharpshooter, spent the entire day so tired that I considered falling down some stairs for an excuse to go home immediately. Incidentally I also did this as a child to get out of gym class...well I didn't DO, I thought about it. True desperation. After running around exhausted I actually have a date that night with SBM.

We meet for dinner a little late bc I went to the gym first. We meet, and he spends the date venting about his issues re: enjoying life. This is fine. I'm glad he sees the problem and I like being a therapist. After years with my own, I'm pretty good at playing therapist-patient.

So here's the thing. I keep wondering when I get to have sex again. I'm like a 15 year old boy I swear. I mean that. I'm all charged up. I've relocated my vibrator (better known as judy jetson. the rabbit died. both of them actually. shut it. you know you have one too)...okay and I don't know if I should even admit this, but I was looking at porn the other day. No shit. I've never liked it in the past, but I was thinking about sex and I was like, fuck it, let's see what we've got. So wrong, yet very interesting. I think I may have actually learned a thing or two. Okay that is neitheer here nor there...

So I'm thinking about this, and I'm happy to see him, and I want to kiss him. He does not kiss me or hug me or touch me in any way. Finally I kiss him and I just ask "how come you never kiss me when you see me?" He says, "I guess I just didn't think about it." What?! What do you mean? Aren't you thinking about touching me?! Hello? AREN'T YOU A 15 YEAR-OLD BOY TOO!? Grrrr...

Not to mention I totally offerred him a Friday date (aka sex) and he turned me down. Maybe he's dating someone else. This is fine. Maybe he's working. This is not fine. I'd prefer he had another date. I had to kiss HIM goodbye. WTF...and Jody Watley starts playing in my mind..."Don't you want me, like I want you, to kiss and, to hold you tight..." Please let this not be a new theme song for me.

By the end of the weekend he was calling me and saying he "missed the sound of my voice." What does that even mean? Fucking call me and there it is! He should miss my magnificent breasts -- his words not mine. He still has not asked me out this week and I'm not doing it, man. I'm not. Sure, I want to put my hands on him, but he's going to have to turn up the pursuit here. Geez. Thank baby jesus for Judy Jetson, that's all I have to say.

Wed Slumber Party

Oooohboy I surely did it now...Wednesday night (a week after date # 2 with Sharpshooter), I have my 3rd date with him. We went to get some BBQ and watch the blues. Love it. Good conversation. After we eat, he moves my plates -- it's the cutest thing -- and I move to his side of the table so 1) I can see the band and 2) I can be closer to him. He literaly pulls my chair closer to him (while I am in it) and puts his arm around me. Awwww cute. A few more glasses of wine later and we're kissing. It's nice.

He lives down the street so I drive him home...."Why don't you come in." Me: "Ummmm, no I should go." Him: "Well maybe just for a coffee since you've been drinking?" He's right. I go in. Cuute but oppressively small apartment. Decorated like an adult, which is always a nice touch. "Stay with me tonight." Me: "Ummmm, no I should go." I think I'm becoming predictable. He offers me PJs and a toothbrush...promises to be a "perfect gentleman." Why do I even stay? Well, duh, he was a good kisser and he kept saying I was beautiful. Okay, he didn't KEEP saying it, but he said it once and I chose to replay it in my mind in place of whatever else was being said. I was so fucking tired that I was like -- fine, sure, Mr gentleman. If "perfect gentleman" is code for reaching into my new jammies until I tell you to stop, then he was spot on.

It was a school night and I hardly slept. No sex. Snoring. It was the snoring that kept me up. I wonder -- can I date someone who makes that much noise? I sure as fuck can't sleep I'll tell you that. We have a Friday date coming this week and I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll need earplugs. Hmmmm...tricky.

Is That a HICKEY on Your Neck?

I know I know, I am totally late here. I promise to deliver more prompt updates in the future. I’ll let you know where I am with SBM, the Sharpshooter, and Cat Man, but first, the moment that goes down as #1 funny moment this week so far:

I have decided I want to get a firearm. Don’t be scared. It’s for protection. We could argue all day about safety and our constitutional rights, but it’s all insignificant to the story. Cat Man has been asking me out ever since our first jazz brunch date THREE WEEKS AGO. People, even I know enough to know that if someone doesn’t go on a second date with me in 3 weeks, they aren’t interested…ANYway, he tells me that he is taking a firearm safety class, and this is something I wanted to do, so I say okay – I’ll go. Two birds with one stone, right?

Cat Man meets me at the place and we grab a bite to eat before it starts. That’s fine…sort of uncomfortable because it really reminds me how little I am attracted to him. This class is 4 hours. He makes immature jokes under his breath and basically doesn’t take it seriously. This really annoyed me. We are not in 3rd grade. We are talking about GUNS that shoot people. Fucking pay attention. As the class proceeds, I like him less and less. The best part though, was the moment that we’re sort of talking towards the end, and he makes this face, leans forward and says “is that a hickey on your neck?” Ummmm, OOOPS, ah “ya, it is.”

After class, he tries to kiss me again. I do not let him. Again. Yuck. The next day, Cat Man is texting me “Happy Tuesday!” So this is it – I tell him that I dig him and think it’s fun to hang out, but I don’t have a romantic connection to him. No response. Well, I guess that’s that then.

SBM: We had our fourth date on Saturday…met for dinner, saw a session in the international film festival. He didn’t kiss me hello or hold my hand – awkward. I’m still thinking about sex non stop based on the previous weekend and after the movie, I’m like “ssoooooo, we can grab a drink, or something to eat…or, I mean if you want you can come over.” It was so funny – he’s like “ya ya let’s do that.” Okay then. Off we go. We hang on the couch and talk for a few hours before we kiss for the first time that day. Sort of weird. Anyway I tell him he can stay and he pulls out a toothbrush! Now, as a woman who is usually prepared (I had my toothbrush in the car when we met!), I can respect this, but still I was like – wow, expecting some action? Ha.

Anyway, he’s really sweet and stuff. I could do without the snoring, but whatev…in the morning I suggest we go to breakfast and he tells me he has to work. No breakfast?! What are you TALKING about?! I learn his day is planned out in regard to work, like, by the hour. Ummmm, okay. I’m sensing this guy is a bit rigid. I’m wondering if he can be normal, or if this workaholic shit is really going to be in the way. Now I’m getting kind of scared. I don’t want to be with some boy who can’t eat breakfast with me on a Sunday. Sunday was also the day that I saw I had 3 hickeys on my neck. Big DARK ones! Tough to hide man…Good lord baby jesus. Two more notes: On Sat night he told me he missed me in a pretty intimate way, especially bc you don't usually heear that so soon. Then this week he told me he was having withdrawal from me. Perhaps he means sex. I’m not sure, but I would surely like to see him too.

Friday night, before the date with SBM, I have my first date with the Sharpshooter. Incidentally, he is not Mexican. He is from Bolivia. Duh. Okay so as he approaches me outside the restaurant, I see him – a short, balding man. Oh man. I think “just get through it. You can go home early.” Turns out he is the most attentive date I have ever had. I swear he read my mind at least twice. He has a lot of vitality and a pretty dynamic personality. By the end of the date, I thought he was very attractive, and I loved that.

The following Wednesday (last night) we had a second date. We went and played pool, which apparently is my go-to second date. We had a lot of fun. Still no kiss, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that anyway. He was cute though. He asked me when I can go out again and told me he wants to cook for me. One for the sharpshooter!

So that’s it. Two very different men. My who-ha is certainly finding this all refreshing…OH and I was eating some oysters by myself the other night, and I was asked to be in a threesome with a couple at the bar! I must be exuding sex!

Lata peeps.

Back on Track

SBM called me tonight. Luckily I hadn't eaten an entire pizza or drank more than one glass of wine yet...he wanted to see how I was and ask me if I couldd get dinner this week. I was tempted to reschedule plans with a friend, but I decided that he is just late in asking and now I'm booked and he'll have to wait until Saturday.

I need to be more patient and just chill out. I'm learning that he may be a serious workaholic which could prove to be a dealbreaker. I'm also realizing that I don't even know if this guy has friends. I have to chill, step back, and keep dating other people.

Incidentallly, the Mexican is the Sharpshooter. He's on Friday. More to come:-)