Are You For Real?

First, let me apologize to my peeps…I have not updated this is SO LONG that it’s embarrassing. I’ve got a lot to tell you…

SO, SBM: We went on about 3 more dates since the last update. They were all the same – uncomfortable dinner where he didn’t do anything affectionate to greet me, leaving me wondering why I am there…into awkward conversation where he reminds me of some strange arrogance he has where he thinks he knows everything…into the bedroom, where all is well and good. Really good. It all came to a head one day when we went to dinner in my town and ended up at a Mexican restaurant. We sat outside, and everything was faaaantastic. Then our food came and he didn’t eat but one bite of his dinner. So I kept asking if everything was okay and if he wanted something else. He kept saying yes it’s fine with this weird fake smile but would not touch the food. As if I couldn't SEE that he wasn't eating. Then he asked to bring it home and then he left it in my fridge. Thing is, he’s just not real with me. He’s so guarded that he can’t even say he doesn’t like his food? Come on now. Something about the whole incident really aggravated me, and that was when he started becoming less attractive and this is a problem bc he is H.O.T. hot. That night he stayed at my house and again, he turned into Mr. Affection in the bedroom, BUT he wanted to catch an early train and was up and out of the house by like 8am and he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. Talk about mixed signals. I mean, if you want to just fuck me, then tell me that. I would have been happier skipping dinner too.

He asked me out again and I told him that I didn’t want to date him. He responded with 8 paragraphs of passive aggressive commentary on ME and why HE didn’t think we should date. ISSUES. Seriously. It’s such a shame because I really would have liked that one to work out. We would have had beautiful kids. Even weirder is that a couple of weeks have passed, then he emails me and asks me to dinner for next week! I mean, is he trying to be my friend? Does he just want sex? Bc if he wants sex then great but let’s not beat around the bush here. If he wants to be my friend then I just don’t know. He’s going to have to loosen the fuck up, stop taking himself so seriously, and let his guard down. Geez. I don’t know why I said yes, but I did, which is probably just a waste of time. Damn it.

Onward and upward…so all along I am also dating the Sharpshooter. The Sharpshooter is not nearly as hot as SBM, but he is fun, sweet, and affectionate. Basically the exact opposite in almost every way. We end up having 3 more dates: 1) we went to see a band. It was really cute because he insisted on standing very close to me in the club and pretty much was always holding my hand and stuff. I kind of felt like he was claiming me. In the long run this may be annoying, but at the moment it felt endearing. 2) We hung at his house, ate sushi and pretty much got drunk. Although this sounds lame, it was really fun. He is so easy to be around that we were goofy and laughing and stuff…I mean if you can have fun doing nothing, that’s pretty good right? This guy -- he's totally real. Plus he continues to be super considerate all the while. 3) He FINALLY got a car and was able to come over to my place. We ate at my favorite restaurant, got some wine and hung out. Then THIS happened…

…We were on the couch and I swear I just had too much to drink and I was cutting loose a little…combine that with the fact that I feel very comfy with this guy, and you get retarded actions from yours truly. I turned my Ipod on the living room speakers. He’s like “will you dance?” I say, “now? Do you mean, for you? No!” Insert drunken flirty giggle here. So I half heartedly shake it, sort of weirded-out and sort of wanting to actually dance because I like dancing. He’s literally laughing at me. I like this bc I look retarded and it’s funny. He’s just being honest, and I am being, well, sort of funny. But THEN he gets up and starts dancing with me. Not romantic moonlit slow dancing – we’re, like, getting’ jiggy wit it. Holy crap…SO. MUCH. FUN. So we run through different songs and dance and laugh and dance and laugh in my stupid living room. The reason this is so great to me is that this is my own ritual. If I have come home a bit too deep into the alcoholic abyss, I flip through old favorite songs in the living room and dance like I’m fucking Britney Spears. I will do this for HOURS, or until my 80 year-old neighbor bangs on my wall. I have never done this in front of anyone else so this is a breakthrough I swear. Aaaaawwwww, now I am so hearting the Sharpshooter.

The downside: I can handle that he is short and stubby and hairy. I can handle that he drives a car that barely makes it on a highway. I can take a lot in return for this wonderful being. BUT, there are some issues in the bedroom, and I think you and I have gotten to know each other well enough for me to say – I cannot take that. What issues you say? Ummmm, I don’t want to be disrespectful so I’m not sure how to say this, but on a number of occasions I found myself saying “What happened? Is something wrong?” I’m sure you should not say that per say, but seriously, why do we keep having issues? Okay and after SBM, which, in case you weren’t following closely enough stands for Sexy BLACK Man, how can my Bolivian friend even compete? You know what I mean people. Okay, and last one…but…he’s not seeming to want to go downtown. Why not? I mean, that’s a requirement. Sorry. I’m just going to have to ask him that. In any case, I keep hoping that as the memory of a roll in the proverbial hay with SBM fades, the Sharpshooter and I can find a happy place in bed. It’s just not so. How long do I wait? Is this a dealbreaker? I mean sort of right?

So after our 4th or 5th consecutive weekend slumber party, we are going on 3 weeks that we haven’t seen each other. In all fairness, he had a big test to take for classes last weekend, and this weekend he is away. Maybe he is just busy. Maybe he got freaked out that we were each other's weekend date consistently? The worst part – I’m not really bummed. I’m sort of excited to have my weekend back. I don’t know if that’s his fault, or if I just don’t like sharing my time with ANYone. This could be it. I mean, I like my life and it does feel like a pain to try and jam someone new in there. Doomed? Maybe.

Alright kids, and here’s a new one: I have a third date with someone new this weekend. Hmmmm, let’s call him The Bass Player. Bass Player contacted me a while back and once SBM was out of the rotation I figured I could add someone new in since the jury is still out on Sharpshooter. He is the right age, good height, a techie analyst consultant type who actually went to Julliard for bass. Apparently he travelled around the world playing, then decided to change careers. He is divorced and has a 5 year old in Equador. Obviously I need more details there. What motivates someone to live on a different continent than their child? He is very polite and says things like “gosh” all the time. Naturally I wonder if he would die of shock if he ever heard a conversation between me and my family (fuck this, fuck that, fuck you). He’s a little odd…I think maybe he’s nervous but I can’t tell. He laughs at my jokes a little too hard, and although he does the “gosh” thing, he had some hard core R-rated rap on in his car on our last date. My take is either I haven’t seen the real him, or he’s got a naughty side that rears its head every now and then. Either of these is fine with me since I'm no prude.

SO, first date I meet him in his town, we go out to eat and get drinks. It’s awkward a bit, but everyone relaxes eventually. Conversation is a little labored because I realized he really doesn’t ask me many questions. This bugs me. I’ll have to pay more attention next date and see if that resolves itself. If we can’t converse, we have a problem. We also took a walk by the water and he gave me weird googly eyes which freaked me out bc I did not want to kiss him at that point. I did not kiss him. Date finished fine.

Date #2, he picks me up at work and we go to a restaurant that I’ve wanted to try but neither of us have been to, and we eat oysters! First, his car is beautiful. He instantly became more attractive. God I am superficial sometimes but at least I’m not a liar. I didn’t like how he drives, because he's sort of a lunatic, but we'll overlook that. Loved that he wanted to try something new and he took me for my favorite food. Props to the new boy! When he dropped me off we kissed-turned-makout in the car. I still feel like he is awkward. Kiss was a little aggressive for a first kiss and it reminded me of kissing when I was 16. Remember how teenage boys would jam their tongue down your throat and eat your face when you made out? Sort of like that. He called me to make sure I got home okay and the next day texted me that he was thinking about me and he had so much fun. He proceeded to contact me like 3 times during the week to ask me out again, and the sweetest one was when he sent an email with the subject “Hooray!” He said it was more than halfway through the week and that meant only a few days until our next date. Cute, right? Of course I am so jaded that I don’t fall too hard for this stuff bc boys always change their tune 6 months later, AND I am suspicious of the “real” him. Anyway, I am looking forward to the next date and I'll take it at face value for now.

In preparation for this weekend, and since I seem to get “easy” on the 3rd date, let’s chant:

I will not have sex on my third date with the Bass Player.
I will play hard to get and see what THAT’S like
I will start a relationship the right way
I wonder if I can get it on with SBM on the side
I am clearly a delinquent

I will not have sex on my third date with the Bass Player.
I will play hard to get and see what THAT’S like
I will start a relationship the right way
I wonder if I can get it on with SBM on the side
I am clearly a delinquent

Okay, took a turn for the worse there, but good enough. Over and out.