Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Okay I have fallen behind! A few to catch us up here…Another man on the roster…some sort of professional type who lives nearby. He writes to me on eharmony, we trade a few emails, and all is fine. He loves seafood so I meet him at my fave oyster bar for some tasty treats. Let’s call him, Are You Fucking Kidding Me?!...okay AYFKM for short, but you KNOW what it means when you see it.

So I am at the bar already, and he comes on in. He is walking fast and barely looks me in the eye as he sits. I am turned to completely face him (bc we are next to each other at the oyster bar), and I have on my best cute smile and I’m all excited. He sits and faces straight (not to me). He puts his elbows on the table and looks at the menu between his arms. Wait, what is happening…is he HIDING? Weird weird. I mean, I don’t mean to be demanding, but I spent like 20 minutes doing my hair which, if you know me, you know NEVER happens…and it’s all fluffy and beautiful and I look pretty good if I must say so myself, so for the love of baby jesus LOOK AT ME.

We order some food. He relaxes a little and starts to talk. I would’ve run away except my oyster addiction kept me there. He talked to me about his friends wives…about how his friends are miserable married, their wives are all nagging women, and they don’t really like being dads. As a matter of fact, his friends were bugged out by child birth and now think it’s gross and don’t really want to have sex with their wives…oh and this was good “I mean, why don’t women understand that when a man comes homes that he doesn’t want someone falling all over him talking and stuff?” Ack kkkukaskackough. That was me choking on my fucking oyster. I think AYFKM? I mean, he’s cute, but this is clearly not attractive. Why would I EVER want to hear these things? Ever! WHY WHY WHY? And all the while, he can’t fucking LOOK at me! If you can believe it though, I am still smiling. Oh I won’t let this date turn to shit without a fight.

Then he tells me about his snowmobiling hobby. This sounds fun to me bc I like that stuff, so great. Let’s bond! Dudettes, halfway through I realized he was only going to become more arrogant and annoying. He referred to him and his “buddies” as sledheds…insert deep dumb voice here, “and we ride around with beeehs in the back and me and my buddies bring a little grill and bbq out in the snow. It’s wicked cool…oh and one of my friends wanted to get a drink at a MARTINI bar. Can you believe that?! I mean, do I LOOK like a guy who would go to a martini bar?” So now I just want to fuck with him bc I’ve had it and he’s making me angry. “I totally know your type I say and girly laugh..hee hee.” I’m flirting but I want to spill my wine in his crotch. “I bet that you drive a big up truck. A BIG tough guy truck. You have tool kit thing with tools you never use in the back. You also have a folder that you pretend is full of important papers for your business on the passenger seat. When a girls gets in you have to move it and you say it’s your “business” stuff, but it’s really a bunch of crap. Am I getting close?” I forgot to mention he owns a business much like my ex-bf and I swear, I know his type so well I can smell asshole from a mile away...well not actual asshole...lol you know what I mean. Gross.

He asks if he minds if we watch the end of the Bruins game before we go. Oh ya sure. Great. I'd love for you to watch TV on our first date. I bet our tenth date would be a real TREAT motherfucker...He turns away from me. I drink excessively and talk to the bartenders. He pays. We walk to the parking lot. I see him get in his massive pick-up truck! What a waste of time. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Let’s hope the next one has promise.