From Zero to 60...Then Back to Zero

Cat Man and I decide to meet for a Jazz brunch on Sunday. I think this is a good idea…definitely a place I have wanted to try in the past so it can’t be a total wash, right? Right. I call him because I am a couple of minutes late, and he says he is in the same boat. Fine. I had made a reservation so I let her know that we’re running late as I wait for him. Cut to 15 minutes later and he calls me. Frantic. "Where did you park?! I can’t find ANY parking…I mean the problem is every time I see a spot, someone else takes it!” He repeats these words for at least 10 minutes. I become a therapist, “It’s okay. You’ll find a spot. It’s just busy. Take your time. We are not in a rush. Don’t freak out.” In the meantime I am thinking I’m hungry and now we’ve lost our reservation. Damn damn. More importantly, why is he whining like this? What did he think I would do? Wave a wand and make him a space? What?

He arrives, we sit…I swear he is still gay as ever to me, but whatever.

Don’t be judgmental
Don’t be judgmental
Don’t be judgmental

Okay…food is ordered. Conversation is okay. We talk a lot about travel and he tells me …"We are definitely going to Costa Rica together. You just let me know when you want to go…” I don’t understand why he thinks I’d go anywhere with him at this point, but this dude has a STRONG personality. Then he throws in weird flirting like, “I have a king sized bed…maybe one day you can lay in it…” Wink wink dude…no thanks. I remind him he has a cat. He mentions changing the sheets. I’m like – “I know we talked about the cat thing. I can’t EVER sleep in your bed. Do you understand??" I’ll spare the rest of you that conversation, but he doesn’t get it.

Date is done, he walks me to my car, he tries to kiss me, I give him my cheek, done. You know, he is very energetic and upbeat. He loves travel and would try anything, and I love that. Good lord baby jesus though, he is not turning me on WHAT.SO.EVER. I’m sorry, he’s just not…and instead of asking me out again, he says – let me know when you ant to hang out again. And I’m thinking – probably not ever – but okay. Since then, he’s sent me one “how are you?” and two “happy Friday” texts. He also sent me a text saying “let me know when you are free so we can hang out.” I don’t know. I don’t want to waste our time, but maybe I’ll like him if I see him again?

Skip to the next day – Monday – and I have date number two with SBM. Yay! We meet at a semi-ghetto pool hall for some fun. I dig this place and I dig him so it’s all good. He is just SUCH a hottie, at least to me. My body likes his body. I know this immediately. I am also deprived of sex at this point, so you do the math.

ANYwho, we grab a bite at a pub, good conversation, everything is fine. Then we play some pool. I love this, although in retrospect, I think he was letting me win! Hmmmm, tricky. Anyway, he looked FINE in jeans, and he is a lovely mix of polite engineer geek with bad ass motherfucker. This combination is very attractive. After pool, we chill on a couch and chat chat chat. Is this guy ever going to kiss me? He gives me some insight into his baggage, which I didn’t ask for, but okay…something introspective about having to always be responsible and never really have had fun…blah blah. It was interesting enough. He walks me to my car, HUGS me (booooooooo!!!), and off we go.

The next day I have an email that he wrote that night. He basically tells me it was great to hang out. A few days later he says “I have a strong desire to just bum around with you. Maybe we can watch a movie or something?” Strong desire? Well yes! We most certainly can watch whatever you want.

A few days later, he is arriving at my house with a stack of movies. When he took his coat off, he was wearing a T shirt and to my delight, the arm that protruded from said shirt was DE.LI.CIOUS. Oh my god oh my god, is that his ARM?! Look at that bicep! OMG don’t touch him. Do not touch him. Be cool. Calm down. Control yourself and do NOT touch him!! My mind was going haywire as I said, “Wanna cocktail or something?” I so love how this all unfolded…we ordered food, blah blah, but in the end, it was like we were 16 again. Everyone knows that “watching a movie” is code for making out. Duh. And did we ever…did I say DE-LI-CIOUS yet? God I’m getting hot just thinking about how Mr. didn’tevenkissmeontheseconddate turned into Mr. Makeout…the trigger: a kiss on the cheek. Works every time, ladies. Kiss a boy on the cheek that wants to kiss you, and it’s like giving him a green light.

The movie ends, and despite all the heat, nothing much has happened here between us here…physically I mean. Of course now there are no more trains going, and he doesn’t want me to drive him bc I have been drinking. I didn’t plan this, but I can’t say that subconsciously I wasn’t trying to get myself into this situation. So I tell him he can stay if he wants. I proceed to just put my jammies on and get in bed bc honestly, I never expected more to happen, although in retrospect, I don’t know why I thought that.

Of course we did it. Yes IT. I don’t mean to kiss and tell…well yes of course I do…but it was the best…ahhh correction…it was the second best sex I have ever had. Trust me, this is a compliment considering the amount of sex I've had...eithat that or a sad commentary on the skills of most men. I’m not sure if that’s bc I wanted it so badly or if it was actually that good (like water in a dessert people), but it was well worth any awkward moments before or after. He is BEAUTIFUL…good lord muscles are straight out intoxicating to me, and his shoulder is the size of my head, and it drove me crazy.

Okay, then crappy sleep. Then the morning – it all happens again, which of course is confirming that things are not weird right? That wasn’t just alcohol right bc it happened again in the morning. RIGHT? I mean HE woke ME up…and he was all sweet and smiley and cute and saying nice things and being affectionate…which as an aside, I find is completely lacking with men. It’s so easy you idiots – put your hand under my head, kiss my shoulder, smile at me. Dummies…but I digress…

It’s time to get up. I offer to make him breakfast and he’s like no thanks. I offer like 3 more times. Nothing. I offer to drive him home. He’s like the T is fine. I offer 3 more times. Nothing. That weird physically conservative self that he was before our first kiss came back. Maybe he has intimately issues anywhere BUT in the bedroom? Why didn’t he want me to make breakfast? I bring him to the T. He kisses me goodbye (grandpa kiss. Nothing good). And off he goes.

So here it is: I spend ALL DAY thinking about everything he did that night. Actually I have spent everyday since that day thinking about these things and playing it over and over, because aside from the actual sex, he really was super affectionate. I know I need that – BADLY. I probably need affection far more than sex and use sex as a means to an end. I know this. I know I didn’t have to give it up on date # 3, but it was NICE. So I send him a short email telling him that I didn’t expect that to happen, but I’m not sorry that it did and it was nice to be close to him…blah and thanks for trekking out to my place blah blah. Like 5 sentences. Then I check my email over and over again. Waiting. WAITING…why isn’t he writing back? …and I swear I start to panic...oh no not again…OMG maybe he thinks I am not thin enough. Maybe he’s looking at me thinking how fantastic he looks and how I’m just not up to par. Maybe I ruined it by having sex? Maybe he is afraid. What? WHAT? One day passes…at the end of the second day I call him and say hi and ask him if he wants to grab a bite – nothing big – just say hi. He say no! Not “no” no, but he is working and says he is “in the middle of something,” but thanks for thinking of him…and I’m thinking that’s ALL I can think of…I find him intoxicating and now I am like an SBM crack head. I need a fix and he’s not biting.

Today is the 3rd day since he’s left my house. I checked my email roughly 300 times and nothing. Honestly, I have a stomach ache. What is happening? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?! And the best part is that I actually had a different first date this weekend and it’s like none of these boy are doing it for me because now I just want this one…but I have to push forward. In fact, I am meeting the Mexican (is that even his name?) on Friday. This is fine. Cat Man keeps trying to see me…but I can’t help but feel like shit. SBM doesn’t like me and I don’t know why and now I feel like a fucking lunatic stalking my own email for a sign of him…

For all of my friends who say – ya that sounds like fun…all that dating must be a good time right? No. What it is is a rollercoaster. One day I am excited and happy. The next day I feel like a throw-away. Let’s chant:

SBM is nice and he does not mean to be hurtful
SBM finds me attractive because I AM
I will not continue to fret over this boy
I will not cry if he never writes back

SBM is nice and he does not mean to be hurtful
SBM finds me attractive because I AM
I will not continue to fret over this boy
I will not cry if he never writes back

And not for nothing, but he actually made reference to having children…and I quote “I’ll have babies with you.” That’s what he said to me. Of course that’s a fucking retarded retard thing to say on a third date, but it still sounded like hope to me. Cocktail. I need a cocktail immediately.