Getting My Groove Back

I know it's been a month -- I KNOW. Witty Man did not work out. I just wasn't attracted to him, and trust me, I tried to get attracted if that's even possible. We watched a movie and I cuddled...I made sure we got to some smooching...etc. All bad. He is a grandpa kisser, which was NOT helping my lack of desire for this man. And the house thing I just couldn't get over...everything about him screamed that he needed someone to take care of him. Now I don't mind that so much in spurts, but I think I have stated here before, I do not want to be anyone's mother. Then I broke the news that I didn't think we should see each other anymore, and he replied "You're kidding, right?" Ummmmmmm, YES I am kidding. I only said that to test you...no retard I'm not kidding. I felt bad about it bc he was really very nice and smart.

ANYwho, fuck match. It's was killing me and now that I haven't been there in a few weeks, I feel less burdened. Of course I also have NO prospective dates...which surprisingly does not bother me so much, and here's why: I think my mojo just needed a remodel. I just needed to get my groove back and remember that men do often dig me. It was the week before I was leaving for an Aruban vacation and I was driving home from work in big traffic. I was singing in my car (fact: people who sing and dance regularly are happier), moving a long at 5 MPH, and as a Bob's Furniture truck passes me, I notice the man looking at me and turning all the way around sticking his head out to see me as he passed. After that, a game ensued where he would go faster or slower to look at me and wave and smile, until finally he began asking me for my phone number. I was flattered. I mean, Bob's isn't such a great store, but this boy was certainly cute. I couldn't help but pull over, as did he, and in about 5 minutes, we were getting it on in the back on a couch for delivery...HOT.

Fine okay, no that didn't happen, but it made the story better didn't it? We didn't pull over, but I actually considered giving him my number. The POINT is that this guy made me feel great and attractive. It was like a trigger that I needed to pull me out of the fucking match rut and back into a world where men liked me.

That was swiftly followed up by my Aruban week where apparently they don't ever see single women. I was asked out by the bell hop at my hotel, the dealer for three card poker in a casino, and my scuba instructor. Loved it all.

I'm not sure if I'll do Match again, or try another service. A friend introduced me to this site crazyblinddate.com, and I think it's a perfect avenue to see what else we can do here with far less commitment. You basically say that you can go out tonight, answer some questions, then they set you up and you go. Done. By the nature of the site, you are bound to get outgoing people. I'll let you know how that works out for me.

Okay and one other topic since we're all friends here: I had a very interesting conversation with my therapist that's made me think a lot about this situation I am in. What situation you ask? Well everyone I know is married or getting there and having babies. This is all happy stuff, but it's painful to be the person who is "last" and basically envious of those things because I want them too, and they are not anywhere in my foreseeable future. That's the short version. Because this issue is so in-my-face, I have spent an inordinate amout of time thinking about it. How can I make this stop so that I can be happy? How can I not think about this when it's everywhere around me? How can I put it away so that I am not making my friends feel weird about their own happiness? I have realized that these life events in a friend's life very much affect me, more than I had anticipated. As GFs, our relationships change based on marriage and kids...oh yes they do...much more than I expected...and this took me by surprise. No one warned me about how I would feel if I were last.

And as I try to change something that I clearly have no control over, I have to adapt eventually and be okay with it. In "being okay" I realized that I have to change my expectations. The more I let go of the idea of family for myself, the better I feel. This freaks me out. Totally. Then I asked: If I totally commit to the idea that I will be single forever, can I then find happiness somewhere else? Have I been in a holding pattern because I expect this family to take over my life one day? Because that's what I expect to be next? If it's not next, would I be doing something different with my life? Would I be making different decisions right now if I knew that a family life would not exist in the future? Would I be riskier, or put more thought into what makes me happy and what my next steps should be?

Maybe.

These questions I still have to answer, but I do know this: Since we are kids, we expect that we'll grow up and be wives and mothers...grandmothers. We expect our family to become the top priority for us in the future. So if there is no family, it is easy to feel like your future is blank and uncertain. I can see you rolling your eyes because "of course I'll find somebody," but that hope is exactly what allows constant disappointment. How's that for confusing -- give up hope and be happier. Lol. Now that I have my groove back a little, I'm going to chill on the proactive manhunt and see what happens next. I am going to focus on things that make me happy...okay MAYBE I'll go on some dates, but we'll see:-).