Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Man of the Day

This one is good. All I have to say is, read his username and look through his picts. Is he blind?

http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?PU=1&TrackingID=1911&BannerID=558862&handle=luv2tann&lid=204&TP=SI&srcsystem=1&emailid=49f3a703-61bd-43bf-bbec-046f8012fe4f

Evidenciary Support

I have evidentiary support that The Lawyer totally digs me. I also have begun to ferret out and use all legal terms that I can think of in honor of this great occassion.

Before I start, let me say however, that it is not clear to me exactly what I think of The Lawyer. So my peeps, and you know who you are, don't start buying wedding gifts yet. Overall, I like him. He's really nice, and he keeps complimenting me, which I still don't trust to be honest...men always compliment you when they want something. Usually what they want is sex, but you didn't need me to say that to know what the answer was. Nonetheless, he keeps saying really sweet and strangely appreciative things to me and I like it.

When he speaks he sounds smart, which I have learned is a MAJOR turn on for me. No kidding, I got totally hot and bothered because he used the word "genesis" in normal conversation. This has generated a series of x-rated role playing scenarios in my mind, and with a little courage I surely can execute these... but I digress. We'll save the porn for a little later. Okay fine, I also have a strange desire to get it on in his mercedes simply because it seems so wrong. It could only get better for me if it was in a church parking lot...now THAT is wrong, but I like it and if there is a god, he's happy for me to have sex and he has a sense of humor so stop cringing. I used to think I was a good girl who wanted to do bad things, but really I am a bad girl who works really hard to be good. I said relax people. There is SO MUCH MORE where that came from.

Sooooooo, I saw him Sunday which I told you about, then he emailed and called me Monday and asked me out again but I couldn't, then he emailed me and called me at work on Tuesday to ask me out again...are we seeing a pattern here? Between my gym appointment and him meeting a client, we met for a drink and app again at my favorite location per his suggestion. Fine by me. I found myself all weird and giddy...I crushed my workout like I had superpowers because I was excited, and I even took the time to blow dry my hair, a true commitment to the 45 minutes we were going to have to hang. He was obviously a little high strung from the day, but he said that spending time with me was relaxing and fun and he wanted to fit it in because it made his day better. Aaaawwww. Don't laugh, I can be relaxed!

So one steamy goodbye later and we have another date this Saturday. No doubt this will be a sleep over. I realize that maybe I seem easy, since as of today we've only known each other for like 7 days, but I'm a woman in my 30s here...and christ it's been like over a year since I've had satisfying sex...sorry back to the porn for a sec...I really do hope he has some understanding of the female body because most men are utterly, and I mean REALLY confused...guys, oral sex is for pleasure not lubricatory purposes only, and by the way don't use your spit for anything it's not meant for because that's actually sort of gross to me...we don't actually like having our knees anywhere near our ears, as this causes fear of one's spine snapping...and we don't want you to go on forever with no decent foreplay or interplay (if you will). This only makes us have to fake an orgasm to get you to believe you can just finish already. There I said it. Perhaps this doesn't apply to all women, but it applies to most - trust me. Clearly my mind has fallen into the gutter and it cannot get out.

The downside -- I can't tell if he's boring. He asked me where I work, but nothing about what I actually do all day. I hate that. I'm smart too you know. He's just not quite as wacky as I am in general, so I'm going to need to know he can really let loose and laugh at himself. Maybe he just needs more leeway to switch personas after a day of dealing with custody cases and divorces. He said he doesn't have a dog and that it's his parents but I think it's his and he sort of twisted the truth because I said I wouldn't see him if he had a pet dog. When I'm wheezing around his house, he will learn that i am not kidding about this point. More upside -- he asked me to call him when I got home last night so he knew I was safe even though I only live 2 blocks from where we were. He called me first thing this morning to tell me he enjoyed himself last night and he's been thinking about me since he woke up. I just hope he's not a stalker. Oh and I found his company's website yesterday so he's legit...and so smart. I LOVE that.

Okay so one more thing...last night we were talking and I made a joke about something like, "ya for that I'm gonna need a Xanax and a stiff drink." I was kidding and being my normal sarcastic self, and he immediately was like - "do you take Xanax?" Then this happened:

Me: Aaahhh no.
Lawyer: Do you take any other anti-depressants?
M: Do i seem depressed? Ahhh, okay ya, but not because I am depressed.
L: Anxiety?
M: Yes but not really now. From before, but these are loaded questions so there's obviously a lot more to that.
L: Do you have issues with men?
M: No. It's family stuff. Actually, I AM hypersensitive to assholes.
L: What do you mean?
M: Asshole men, I can't tolerate that, and it makes me really really angry.
L: Have you dated a lot of assholes?
M: No, but I spent most of my life living with one and he treated the women in my family like crap.
L: Did anything really bad happen to you when you were a kid?
M: Not like BAD bad. I mean, not horrifying.
L: So no one beat you up or anything, right?
M: Not physically...

I object!! Insert a strong feeling of discomfort here. First of all, these were all personal questions and he was firing them off FAST like, well, a lawyer, with really no regard for how personal they were. He does family law so he hears this stuff, and far worse, all day long. I do not mind telling the truth, and understand a curiousity about the answers I was giving, but I am really nervous I gave the wrong impression. I don't want for him to think I am broken. Who wants something that's broken? ...And I didn't get into it because I was sitting at an oyster bar right next to ten other people. So I followed up by saying stuff like ..."but I mean I have seen a therapist for a while and I swear it was the best decision I ever made. I feel better now mentally than I ever have." And that's the truth. And he only looked at me (very matter of fact) and said, "don't worry, it's forgotten. It's not a big deal I was just curious. This isn't strange stuff to me." ANYway, that was weird and we just moved on...I know he can see right through me though...I have no real reason to be concerned about this because he just keeps on calling me anyway, but still, now I feel like I have to talk about it again to be clear about the situation. Why did he have to go there on like, our third date? ...And of course, it would be unlike me to back down so I wanted him to see I wasn't scared and I am honest so I just said the truth. Anyway, that bothers me a little, but I should move on too.

Long story, well, LONG...things are good with The Lawyer. I can't help but be suspicious of how nice he's being, but i will not allow this to show because that's me, not him. I look forward to seeing him soon. I wonder if I should get myself a gavel for that role playing...

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Cat Man of the Day

Just to prove a point, I would like to introduce you to the Cat Man of the Day: http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?TrackingID=1911&BannerID=548176&uid=Z7GckZ/t6aCl/NStZN/pNw%3d%3d&lid=194&TP=V&srcsystem=1&emailid=0702e689-45a3-46fe-ac5f-4fe5bdd6ba80

This was the very first profile that I opened today. Seems like a nice man looking for a nice girl...of course he doesn't want to say what he does, which is suspect, and he wants everything the rest of us want. VERY descriptive. Oh and let's not forget -- he has CATS!

One cat man down, ten thousand to go...

Monday, April 28, 2008

Hitting the Gas

It has been an interesting weekend. The Lawyer asked me out Friday...first, he was 10 minutes late (which is fine), and he called. That was cute. And responsible. Oh how my standards have plummeted over time...a man who is a real adult is like a two headed woman at a circus. We had drinks and apps and decent conversation. I learned that he owns his law firm that includes a handful of of attorneys, he has some rental properties, and a house. His house has a pool table in it. This is like telling a 10 year old they can have an X Box or something. I love it, although I suspect it will be hard to kick his ass. Oh and he drives a Mercedes SUV and wears a Rolex...there has to be something wrong with him, right? All that money an no one snagged him?

So no, money is not the most important thing here, but yes, I do like it and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Money doesn't buy happines, but being poor is miserable and that's the truth. If you think love makes everything okay, then good luck to you. Poverty will eat your love alive. I have a distinct memory of my childhood where our electricy was shut off, we were playing Sorry by karosine lamp, and the oven door was open to heat the house. I wasn't startving to death, but I experienced some ugly shit that I can barely bring myself to think about and I'll never do it again so yes, money does matter. Anyone who disagrees is disillusioned if you ask me. Clearly this is a sore spot. Woah. Thank god for therapists...but I digress.

Okay enough of that. The date ended and all was fine. He called me at 10AM the next day to say he had fun and wanted to see me again. TEN AM! Wow, well that felt good. Then he asked me out Sat (I couldn't go), then Sun, and this morning for tonight! Alright see? Now it's getting weird -- four days in a row? Last night we met for just a couple of drinks and the vibe was much more relaxed. I admit to totally making out in his car before leaving him, which I thoroughly enjoyed. He could stand a lesson in kissing but it's fine for now. We'll fix that:-). Honestly, the whole thing was a total turn on and if I was 25 again, I would have brought him home with me in a heart beat, but since I actually want to have a relationship here, I did not. Instead I became a babbling idiot.

Plus, I haven't shaved in like 5 days. I can't have a hairy legged introduction. I have enough self concious body image problems as it is. I know it's gross, but I woke up late today and actually never showered (I mean I don't stink), and ran out this morning, so the truth is I really don't want to see him today either. Clearly I need to step up my self-maintenance!

Okay so back to the issue at hand here. Should I be weirded out that he seems to want to see me everyday? I hate being a disappointment so saying no somehow makes me feel guilty even though there is no reason for that. What if he thinks I'm not interested? I know, stupid statement, but I feel that way regardless. He already asked me out for Saturday night too! So funny...I want a boyfriend, but i don't. I don't like my routine being disturbed, and I don't like being bugged all the time. I fear that I have been alone for so long that maybe I prefer that now? It's easier in the end -- really, it is. Yes I know, but it's lonely and of course everyone wants love. I get it people. No lectures please.

BUT fine, I know I have to buck up and get on with it because even though it feels weird now, it would feel good to have someone in my life who loves me blah blah. Perhaps I will give in on this one, stoke the fire and see what happens. He IS nice, and normal, and responsible, and cute. I wonder if he likes kids...we have a long way to go. LONG. The thought of it -- introduction to family, to habits, a first argument, the time when the honeymoon phase ends and you decide if it's really right -- all of that is so daunting...like I'm at the beginning of some obstacle course and if I get through, I win a husband. I HATE that it feels that way. I hate that this has become a chore and that this didn't work itself out when I was younger so I could just grow with a boyfriend like everyone else. There is a massive difference, but I don't think anyone really knows that. Not anyone who is married anyway. God I'm so bitter sometimes. Maybe faling in love will be like pouring sugar into me. We'll see.

I never called Skinny Man. I told him I would so I have to, but I'm not motivated much at this point. The Wrestler is a dud if you ask me. He texted me Sat night. It said "bonk..." Bonk? What the fuck is that? He's had my number for a month. I'm waaaaaay over it. Another idiot destined to spend his life texting women. What a shame.

Well it's Monday so I should get on with getting some work done. I've taken to chanting happy thoughts. Yes, chanting. Don't knock it till you try it people:

I like the Lawyer and that's okay
I will not add negative caveats such as "so far," or "we'll see" to everything I say about him
I will not be guarded
I will allow myself to be happy

I like the Lawyer and that's okay
I will not add caveats such as "so far," or "we'll see" to everything I say about him
I will not be guarded
I will allow myself to be happy
I will kill him if he disappoints... okay okay, that last one was just comedic effect. Later peeps.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Date

Hold the presses -- The Lawyer asked me out for tonight. Usually I make a point of getting on the phone with potential dates first, but he asked me out to the place I was actually already going to! In my small town just a few minutes north of Boston (you figure it out), I am in love with an oyster bar that I go to frequently, often for a low-key Friday. I said that I love it there in my profile, which he obviously read, and he asked to meet me for a drink. Pays attention and is thoughtful - check -- One for the Lawyer! I would like nothing more. Paaahleease let him be normal...

Will call Skinny Man tomorrow to put this "call me" crap to bed, and will not call The Wrestler, who has made it clear he is very busy. I asked him out so he knows I want to meet him (for now).

Happy Friday!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Tag, You're It!

Good news -- I have adequately recovered from my pisser attitude and am feeling more upbeat about things. There is a good chance that a cocktail with a friend in the near summer heat last night was just the cure I needed.

Skinny man continues to send me weird emails that say things like -- "I am free Sunday, call me," even though we still haven't spoken, nor has he called ME. Okay that's fine. I'll call but I'm getting a little tired of the freakin' constant e-mailing when he has my number.

On other fronts, I actually spoke with The Wrestler. Nooooo. YES! Noooo. YES! Yes I have and it's a spring time miracle I tell you. He called me from his car running errands yesterday (awww how sweet). The first thing he said was "oh I didn't think I'd get you." I love that. Way to make a girl feel wanted. Then he talked all spazzy like maybe he had one to many lattes or smoked some crack before leaving the house. You know, when people you don't know talk about the details of their lives in a weird sort of inapproriate way? Too much info, but hey, whatever, I have as big a mouth as the next guy. I took the plunge and invited him for a cocktail but he had rehearsal bc apparently he is an actor. Bummer. He didn't commit to another time to meet but said he'd call me soon. I'm getting the sense that he may be nice and is definitely fun, but he has a life that really doesn't leave room for anything else. We'll see. OH, and note my thoughts about him in The Roster post -- he mentioned how broke he is about 4 times in 10 minutes. God I have honed my boy-evaluating skills so well that I know what their deal is before they can say it. I'm impressing even myself.

So some other cute boys came out of the woodwork today, and once I am done talking to myself here, I'll respond to their inquiries. One of them "The Lawyer," is this guy who had been winking at me and all kinds of crap like that back when I did Match ages ago...I cannot remember why we never spoke but I think I found him boring. ANYway, he found me again and wrote to me today. After meeting all of those live-with-their-mothers-cat-men, he's looking pretty good. Did I mention he is a lawyer? I'm no money grubber, but he has his own practice and a house in Rockport at the beach. This type is perfect for my desires to stay home with my kids, start writing, become a teacher, and basically enjoy my life -- oh, and have a nice house and white picket fence, of COURSE. Problem is that this type is usually a little dry and boring. Regardless, he got my digits today and we'll talk. I LIKE that because all of these other guys are like type, text, type, text, type, text, blah blah blah. I could die of old age before they pick up their fucking phones. Oh man, it's the typing and texting that's making me mad!!!

Think happy thoughts. I will speak with The Lawyer, and his voice will be lovely (not all screechy or high - ick). He will have good energy and want to meet me. Yep, that's the ticket. No more email tag for me!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Like Sticking Pins in My Eyes

Okay so things are really not working out as I'd like them to -- what else is new. Turns out that Skinny Man is in a play and had an obscure reason not to make our date. He was telling the truth. Then he rescheduled, and never called on that day like he said he would. What the fuck? My final attempt at contact was a brief email I sent basically saying -- you never called, everything ok? You know, to not seem pushy...and he replied "Call me" - -with his number. That's it. Are we playing games here? He has my number in his phone! No my friend, after telling me twice that we were meeting, YOU can call ME. I don't even LIKE skinny men!

The Wrestler disappeared and then came back! Yay! There is just something i dig about this guy. He seems pretty busy, but after not emailing for a week, he contacted me and was trying to call. Apparently he has my number wrong though bc he couldn't reach me...we IMed a little and I'm calling him tonight. Let's get on with it already.

The Lurker -- harassed me then never wrote back. What the fuck? Again. Fine.

Oil Man: Ha so funny. I asked him if he lived with his parents and he never wrote back. My Match.com profile clearly states not being able to support oneself and living with parents as a deal breaker. I guess his mom is still doing his laundry. Lol.

Honestly, this match stuff is getting old and exhausting. What's with all the men with cats? I have never imagined that meeting boys could be so hard...am I trying too hard? Should I get offline and just go to a goddamned coffee shop like all of the other pathetic people who pretend to be entertained by their book as if they like sitting there alone? I'm feeling bummed and a little irritated at this time (clearly). Oh and to make matters even better, I missed my P...great the prospect of having a baby "serial texter" makes me want to vomit. Not too worried though unless I am the lucky one to repeat the immaculate conception... Oh man, I am in a BAD MOOD. Sorry peeps. I will adjust my attitude and be back soon.

Friday, April 11, 2008

The Roster

It's the end of the week and I wanted to take inventory of the Match.com dating roster as it stands. We have:

Skinny Man -- older man who asked me out yesterday for today. I sent him my number and now I have not heard back. Why would he ask me out then not follow-through? Hmph. Red flag.

The Wrestler -- smidge older than me. This guy is sort of wacky but I like him. He was once on the road to becoming a professional wrestler! Who does that? Found out yesterday that he has a whole site of his own and apparently wants to be an actor or something. Red flag -- this guy could be completely broke...keep an eye out. At least he doesn't live with his mother or have cats. I will allow myself to imagine him becoming famous, and me, his wife of course, will be rich. Faaaantastic.

The Lurker -- This guy is older and he's been "winking" at me for 6 months. Finally I wrote back and he asked me out. Bata bang Bata Boom! Just like that. Waiting for him to send his phone number so we can chat. This guy has very little to say by email, so he is suspect because I don't know anything about him! He's a secret keeper, I can see it.

Oil Man -- guy works at his dad's oil company. That's fine, but his profile says "lives with family." RED FLAG. I'd put $100 on him living with them and his mom doing all of his laundry. No high expectations.

Let's hope there is someone normal in this group.

Text or Next?

Alllrighty. I feel like maybe I am getting old, or somehow I am not keeping up with Kardashians, but really, what is the deal with texting? I mean, I get it -- another way to send messages to friends, and I use it in this way. If you ask me though, texting is for quick notes like "u looked hot today," "parking car b there soon," or my personal fave, "at the bar." What I cannot understand is why WHY WHY men want to text whole conversations with me.

Take a gentleman who was on the dating roster about a month ago, aka The Texter. I had been emailing for about a week, and was ready to move onto a real conversation, so I gave him my number. That night he texted me: Hi, how was your day? What R U doing this weekend? When should we meet?

Hmmmmm...I simply do NOT understand how I would be expected to respond. Staring into my litte phone and painstakingly typing my answer (because i don't do enough of that at work) is not how I want to spend my time when we could speak 10 times as fast. I say -- give me a call. I really don't like texting. Then, that evening, he texts AGAIN. No call. Then we have a series of dates and he disappears, which was fine with me at the time, only to reappear a month later, BY TEXT. Now really though? WTF? I said give me a call, and he just kept texting.

Maybe it's me, but I hate it. I hate text. When that is the only way you communicate, consider yourself stunted in the area of communication. Needless to say, I did not see The Texter again. NEXT! For the love of god NEXT.