I'm Baaaaaa-aaack. Again.

Who’s excited? I am! I am! Okay first let me get this off my chest: the lack of sex in my recent life is traumatizing me at this point. Must. Get. Laid. Oh jeez that sounds so crass… No no, what I really need is love (can you hear it – “all you need is love, love…love is all you need…”). Love. Some affection would be nice too. This should be fairly simple, no? I mean, doesn’t EVERYONE want love and affection? Then why is it so hard to get? I am starting to think it’s me, but whatever, who knows. Let's get in a short chant:

I will be positive
I will have love and affection
And SEX
I will be positive
I will have love and affection
And SEX

Whew! In light of the feelings I have described, I now pronounce myself ready and able to start dating again! After the last bout with Match.com, I have picked myself up, wiped myself off, and started again. Although Match keeps telling me to sign up because I have an email, I’ve moved on in search of a new batch of men. First I tried perfectmatch.com. Okay, unless you wish to date a construction worker, do not do this. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but perfectmatch.com is the blue collar dating website. What a WOM. Waste. Of. Money. Loooots of peeps living with their moms, and I think we already know how I feel about THAT.

Last week I signed up for eharmony. I mean they must be doing well. They can afford commercials for christ’s sake! Speaking of Christ, I know there is the religious undertone, but by and large no one seems to care so much. And anyway, I am not the devil. I can date a religious person…we’ll deal with the church marriage issues when we cross that bridge…and actually if that bridge is EVER in front of me…like if I could at least see the bridge, I’ll convert to whatever you want me to be if that’s in the way and keep my religious opinions under wraps. I’m not letting a bunch of STORIES get in my way of love. Was that offensive? Unless you are my new husband, I don’t care.

SO I am all jazzed up about this new site. First it sends me all of these matches and to my surprise, they are all decent looking, relatively professional, seemingly normal men. Yaaaaaaay! There is hope. I’m still trying to understand the way in which this site really works, but I’m internet dating savvy…OMG just as an aside -- and if you copy my idea I will cut you -- I think I should write a book about how to navigate today’s online dating scene. Duh perfecto! It will be out in stores just in time to reach our generation as the average 40-50% get divorced and have no idea how to meet people. I have to get moving because the next generation will be too internet savvy. I need to target my own generation’s divorced population. Dude a book like that bringing me good fortune would equate to some wacked karma thing that could make this all worth it, AND i could get my wasted money back! Seriously, I could get on Oprah with this! OOOkkay, I digress…SO, lots of cute boys. Before we move forward, know that you can “fast track” someone into emailing right away, or you can have “guided communication” which equals to sending preconceived questions over because you are too lazy or don’t know how to communicate. I barely have any in the proverbial loop yet, but let’s check out the roster:

Helper: The helper is a super-nice type who wants to save the world. He came from Lousiana and his parents are from..I forget…like Louisiana and Ghana. He is a BBM (big black man), with a very kind smile. We are emailing and he wants to meet. I am moderately interested and will have to talk on the phone first bc he wants to move too fast.

Big Heart: This is a BWM (big white man)…like of the rounder variety, BUT I am not here to be judgmental. Yet. His profile makes him sound very sweet and romantic. He also appears to have a successful career and a good head on his shoulders. We JUST started emailing. Nothing to report.

Blondie: I only wrote to him and we have to see if he wants to talk. Very tall and cute. Has all sisters and lives in my town. Umm hello, every woman should know that men with sisters are the better men. No question. The convenience of his location makes this a no-brainer.

Mr. Perfecto: As I typed that I could feel the jinx that I placed upon myself. This guy was cute, has all the right priorities (travel, reads, loves kids, career, beach), a good job, and he was the ONLY person to even mention marriage or kids in his profile. He literally said that his nieces and nephews remind him of what is important in life. Umm, hello Mr Perfecto, I am RIGHT HERE! Mrs. Perfecto… We’ll see if he writes back.

That it for now but stay tuned!