Latest Roster: Preparing for a dating frenzy!

Cat Man continues to call me and text me. I feel horrible because I’m acting like I sort of care, which is worse than caring or not if you ask me. I really don’t care but I feel like there is no reason not to meet this guy (well except for the bastard cat)…ugh. He’s a “happy Friday” texter. He’s sent that same message to me 3 weeks in a row now. He called me last night to ask me out. Do I want to go? Nope. Will I? I guess. If it’ll get this guy off my back then sure.

Why bother you ask? Well it’s like this: I need to date if I’m ever going to find someone. Maybe he’s great and I just can’t see past the allergens, you know? Maybe he’s the best man ever, but I can’t hear him past his weirdly gay voice…and somehow it still bugs me that he missed the part on my profile that said furry pets are a dealbreaker. We’ll meet. Whatever. I have a bad attitude, I know.

Okay on to better things! As promised, here is the current roster. I’m pretty excited about some of these guys although we’ll see what happens. You know I don’t ever get my hopes up about this stuff. Sad isn’t it?

SBM: Sexy Black Man that is…yes, in case you haven’t noticed, I am attracted to those with a darker skin, and I am happy to say, they are attracted to me too. It’s most certainly the boobs. Mine, not theirs. I have lovely cleavage, but that’s neither here nor there. ANYway, SBM is an engineer…we have been using the Guided Communication feature of eharmony, which you may know is a way to pick questions from a list instead of thinking of them yourself. I guess they want to help you ferret out issues before you actually start using your brain to communicate. It’s also helpful for lazy communicators, which can be characterized as people whose entire profile is comprised of bulleted items…couldn’t even write a damned sentence! We should be speaking soon. I’m hoping he wants to meet bc he is just SO cute and I desperately want to kiss him already. Cross your fingers.

Mr. Romance: Now I have traded a few emails with this guy and he seems nice. IT guy, as in information technology. I think geeky is the way to go ladies. I have to say that I don’t find him so physically attractive, which could prove to be an issue, but he seems really nice is a self-proclaimed romancer. He asked me if we could meet this weekend. I’ll do that if we can find the time. We haven’t spoken yet so I don’t know how he sounds yet. Bring on the romance buddy!

Suburban Man: Mr Suburb is definitely the oldest of the pack. He’s almost ten years older than me, also an engineer, and pretty much bald. He looks exactly like you might imagine, but there is something strangely cute about his picture, even though he looks sort of like a dad already...correction...he sort of looks like someone who could be my dad. Ewe...pushing thought away immediately...He asks a LOT of questions by email. We traded them a few times and I was finally like, here’s my number. Call me and we’ll get together. Let’s move this bus along guys. I don’t have all fucking day to be emailing the answers to your 75 questions. This one is a big question mark.

…man, I’m really craving a glass of champagne…and not to sound like I have a problem, but I have drank one and a half bottles of the stuff this week. It’s just so GOOD…I digress…

Sharpshooter: Okay, this is a short Mexican…actually I don’t know that he’s Mexican, but I’m like 85% sure. He’s cute and I do have an affection for short men. He’s all nice and whatnot, then mentions that he was a sharpshooter in the Army Reserve and has done public speaking for the last three years. This guy just got a lot more interesting. Maybe he can give a speech at our wedding. He’s also the only one of these guys that answered that he wants kids. Everyone else wrote “maybe.” What does that mean? You’re not sure? You’re waiting for my answer first? That bugs me. I mean, if you don’t actually WANT them, then I don’t want to have kids with you just because I want them. I want YOU to want them. “that’s okay honey, daddy didn’t want you, but mommy sure did…” We are talking and I’ll give him my number this weekend and move along. He is in IT also! Did I request the techies or something?

Biochem Man: This guy is a biochemistry project manager specialist or something (what the hell does that even mean?) and he lives in the burbs. He looks like what I imagine the father of my children to look like. Weird right? He’s moderately attractive, but he writes very well and has interesting things to say. He was the only person to guess my trivia question on my profile. (What shark was found to have swam up the Mississippi Rover as far as Illinois? For those of you who don't watch Shark Week, shame on you!) We’ve been chatting for a while. I gave him my number last weekend and he never called! WTF. But he keeps on emailing me. What is that? Fear? Busy? Whatev, if he wants to date me he’ll call me at that’s it. All I know is I am not calling HIM!

Wish me luck my peeps.

Gaydar

As I said earlier, I am dating like a rock star…well except for all of the sex and drugs, which I guess would be a whole lot more fun…okay I digress. Come on, there’s always time for sex and drugs on the side so let’s stick with nice, wholesome dating here. Heh. Wholesome? Who am I kidding. …okay my gaydar may be on the fritz or something. So I go on a date, a breakfast date, with a boy. Let’s call him Mr. Big Head. I say that because he had a giant head! Like, it was way too big and round. It was hard for me not to stare as we met in person. Seriously. On the fly we decide to meet for brunch on a Sunday which seems fine, although I haven’t ever had a first date sans alcoholic beverage. I wondered if I’d ordered a mimosa would I have seemed like I had a problem? Anywho, he talks and talks and talks. Fine. He talked so much though, that he could hardly get through a single thought. Then he’d ask me a question and before I answered, he’d be off talking about something else. Again.

I don’t know though…there was something about his demeanor that was just so…well, gay. His voice a little. Even his mannerisms. I can’t put my finger on it, but I was not attracted so much. I thought maybe we could try a second time, but we never called each other so I’m thinking it was mutual. He bored me.

Then last night I spoke with Cat Man for the first time. Those of you who have read this blog before already know where someone named Cat Man is going. So he seems great, we get on the phone…that fucking high pitched voice is back…clearly I need a deeper voice man or something…then he said it.

Chat chat chat…”I just love my kitty.”

MMmmm, okay either you just talked dirty to me, or you are describing your pet. I hoped for the former. Not to go back to it, bc I love my gay friends, but when a straight man repeatedly says “my kitty,” he just sounds too femine:

Me: “Did you just say KITTY?”
Him: “Oh ya, I love him and all of my roommates need to love him too. He needs a lot of attention. One of my roommates is allergic.”
Me: “That must be terrible for her.”
Him: “Well she knew I had him before she moved in.”
Me: insert chuckle “I don’t think we’ll ever be able to date. I’m totally allergic to cats. I think my profile actually says that.”
Him: But you wouldn’t not date someone because of a cat, right?”
Me: “Cats make me miserable and I can’t date someone with one. Especially since I knew that before I dated you, I really shouldn’t even start. Sorry.”

He proceeded to describe to me how he showers 3 times a day (does he stink?! Geez) and doesn’t like cat hair on his clothes, etc. Ya, I’ve dated men with cats, which first of all, I am against. A man with a cat is not sexy, I don’t care what you say. Plus, I have a bird and I don’t want your bastard cat touching my lovely bird. That’s all besides the point though. Cats make my esophagus close. Enough said. Noooooo thanks. Once I had mentally written him off I started thinking about the sleep I was missing bc I was on the phone and I got off. Drat! Foiled again…

Updates

Ex-bf: Okay so he kept sending these 3 sentence bullshit “how’s everything” emails with no real content. For some reason, it bugged me. I told him “no offense, but I’m going to close this match. It’s weirding me out to see you in here.” CLOSED and done. I’m trying to get a date. I don’t have time for wacked out ex-bf antics.

About the friend in love with me….guys, this one is driving me out of my mind. He KEEPS bringing it up over and over…” yea I am ok.....just hard getting past u....besides that I am feeling a little lonely the last few days and I miss hanging out with u!” … I am sure you know u can still talk to me about anything...I just hope u feel you can…even boys.....I would rather know than not be part of ur life.” For fuck’s sake. …” overall in life I am mostly happy...but dont be sorry for the rest....its not ur fault how u do or dont feel and I know that.” Okay…of course I said things in between, and it would exceptionally rude of me to list the whole conversation here, but I’m starting to feel manipulated. There is a neediness here that is so strong I have started to lose respect for my friend. As a matter of fact, it’s realy starting to piss me off. I feel mean even thinking it, but really, it’s too much. Get a hold of yourself. I can be caring and loving and sensitive, but it’s like he’s trying to make me feel bad in a passive aggressive way. I don’t. Sorry. Grrrrr….now I am just avoiding him bc I don’t want to hear this crap anymore. Self pity is not something I do well with. PLUS, IMing this shit to me is really immature. Please see my first entry Text or Next.

Vent

First, my last BF was matched to me on eharmony yesterday. After we broke up 2 years ago, he was matched to me on Match.com also. Umm, clearly we MATCH. For those just catching up, he broke up with me. I’d call that motherfucker a bastard, except that he’s actually a pretty great guy. Bastard. So we haven’t spoken since we last saw each other at the airport after returning from a lovely vacation to the Domincan Republic. He broke up with me 5 days before we left, but the vacation was nice anyway. I don’t miss vacation for anything. The last time we traded an email was just a few days later which ended with him telling me that he hopes that I can appreciate how hard this is for him, and that he can’t see me but we’ll catch up from time to time. Time to time? Talk about giving me the double bird…

ANYwho, cut to two years later and his message has a subject of “It was only a matter of time…” That’s what it said. Inside he said hi and asked how I am…how is my job…take care. Sooooooooo, what the hell is that? What’s just a matter of time? That we write bc we are constantly matched? That he realizes he was a fucking retard (not nice to say retard, geez). Just a matter of time that what? It’s amazing how we think our emotions are gone, but really they live right under the surface, you know? I sort of felt excited to hear from him, and I sort of had a stomach ache. Then I sort of wanted to crush him like a grape.

I wrote back that I am fine. I left out any questions so as to convey that I don’t care if we speak again (bastard), and was like “good to hear from you”…although it would have been nice if it wasn’t TWO YEARS but whatever. Man, I guess I do harbor a little anger.

THEN I have an entirely separate issue with a friend who is in LOVE with me big time. Like really seriously…and he keeps trying to convince me of why I should be with him (VERY annoying) and says things like “I’m so sorry if my feelings for you are making you uncomfortable.” And I want to say, dude, saying shit like THAT is making me uncomfortable. I know it sounds mean to read it like this, but imagine someone constantly all over you, writing to you every morning, noon, and night...throwing themselves at you that they'll do anything you need any time EVER...AAAAND he keeps insinuating that I’m making a big mistake bc he’s right there and would do anything for me, like I am ignorant to the truth that is in front of me. I mean for christ’s sake. That just pisses me off. I’m not an idiot. I love you and we have been good friends for 20 years. I am flattered, but I don’t want to be with you. I’m not an idiot.

Funny how someone chasing you and kissing your ass makes them that much less attractive…which brings me to one more…my OTHER stupid BF, from before the one above, contacts me non-stop. The less I care to hear from him, the more he contacts me. We broke up THREE years ago almost. Je-SUS. Now he is a fucking disaster like I have never seen in my life and there is NO WAY ever ever ever EVER that I would even CONSIDER dating him again. EVER. What the fuck is wrong with these guys?

Roster of the newbies to come. I've been cultivating the crop and it's almost date time! OMG -- I just treated them like...corn or something. Lol.